Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2019-04-12 05:07:22 (UTC)

I suppose I should start with ..

I suppose I should start with the standard preface that if none of these thoughts are coherent, I apologize in advance.

But fairly, I have been spending all my peripheral attention today on boys. internally, I'm still 14. Probably more 14 today than I was when I was 14. My insecurities take up more space than I should let them, really, and I'm certainly a lot more in touch with and unresolved about my angst.
just speaking of it makes it bubble within me. I'm supposed to be graciously accepting of this family? this life? How am I supposed to be a good person when so many things stand against me?? How am I supposed to overcome those things when I barely have the faith to get through the trouble of believing in myself daily?


ugh. don't please anybody respond to that. it's just a pile of grief I needed to let out.
maybe it's not all that that I'm mad about, like it is but it isn't it. I could let it go if I could get something about myself carved out in this space where I'm supposed to grow. I just have to let myself be mad. But be mad properly, and in the right direction and the right way.
I don't know.

this topic is getting me nowhere soon. Which is why I favor distractions lately. I could cut right to the core of the matter of family and purpose and the ultimate life I want to lead on this earth. That's great and all, but when you really are in it alone it feels like staring down the barrel of life and death every day. I don't know that that's the kind of pressure I want to frame my living around daily. it sort of hurts to feel that always alone. I'm tired of writing already tonight.
it's tiring to look at your thoughts. but it's late anyway and I'd like to sleep.




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