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2019-04-10 11:50:01 (UTC)

i wish i was a cactus

7:50 am
girl, ill take you anywhere - yung heazy
god, im so fkn tired.... like i cannot handle how freaking tired i am. jinsol texted me asking if i wanted to go to the mall this sunday and i usually say yes to everything she asks to do or if i dont want to, i kinda make an excuse for it. but this time i just said i dont feel like going and that i just wanted to go home that day.

im feeling so low... i dont know if its cause im tired or what is making me feel so depressed but i just feel depressed. i feel insecure and lacking in energy. i dont want to talk to anyone and i just want to be left alone. i know i may sound like a bitch at the moment but i am honestly kinda annoyed at jinsol. i wish i didnt feel this way towards her because i admit that she can truly be such a good friend and full of love. she amazing, great and a good person. i know she doesnt mean to be mean all the time but sometimes, shes just a bitch.

like yesterday i messaged her telling that cray, this friend i kind of fell off with, wanted her to know blablabla things and she literally just told me she doesnt care. and i know that its just her being honest or simply telling me how she feels about that situation but to me it just felt straight up rude. and another thing that bothers me is if i cant do something she ALWAYS gives me this look... and its not just me. she does it to other people too so i know it may be just a part of her personality but it really makes me feel bad. when i played the piano the other day and i didnt know how to play it right, she just looked so pissed and done. her voice get that tone of annoyance at the end and she glares at me and even rolls her eyes! like w t f. it makes me feel like i committed a huge crime and i dont know i just feel bad.

so this is why im even more annoyed is yeah, last times we hung out, she did say that lets hang out more on sundays especially the 2nd and 4th of sundays but i didnt expect it to be an automatic plan... she said to me "do you wanna just go to the mall instead of kft? i need to get more clothes for when i go to nyc" btw kft is kung fu tea a boba cafe. but anyways these days im feeling SO insecure. i feel seriously so low and so tired that when i speak sometimes the words wont just come out of my mouth properly. i cant properly articulate my thoughts and feelings. plus i have so much stuff to do for school... and i know that i procrastinate a lot but the stress is slowly starting to creep up on me and making me feel anxious and bad overall which reminds me that i should honestly start taking my meds again which i havent been so good at taking but the point is i simply dont want to hang out... i am a little more introverted and i know i dont go out as much as people who are really extroverted and go out often but to me i still feel like i go out a lot.. and i just want to be at home these days. locked up and alone. so thats why i told her i dont want to go because i didnt feel like it and i wanted to be home but it took me some thought and i thought about the consenquences that may come through by me saying my feelings...

she could be pissed or get annoyed at me.. she could start asking me questions like why i dont wanna go and when i tell her she might get really pissed and i honestly am scared to make her mad at me but i dont think i am doing any thing wrong. just because i say yes all the time doesnt mean that i cannot say no. and i can say no because i dont feel good inside.

which leads me to another topic. daniel. ugh. i do like him a lot but it makes me kinda sad because i think my insecurities and lack of self love make it hard for me. i also feel so down lately that i just lose interest? i dont know but i wish i was able to love myself and be confident. i wish i saw myself as pretty and i do see myself as pretty!! but these days, i feel so disgusting and i want to disappear. and he hasnt even responded to me since last night like at 9 pm and he said hes shit at responding to messages which i agree but im so fucking insecure. i sometimes i wish i never met him. boys are usually just a pain in the assssssss for me. but if i dont really care about him i dont know why i am waiting for my notification on my phone to be from him.. so maybe im just in denial.

either way i feel terrible. and i dont know why. i suppose its just a lot of things combined together and yeah but i dont know what to do. i just wish i could stay at home forever and hibernate or something. sometimes i wish i was a cactus. cute enough to look at but prickly enough not to be interacted with.