Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2019-04-05 05:36:19 (UTC)

I have nothing I'd like to ..

I have nothing I'd like to say for myself tonight really.
that's a lie I have plenty. I just didn't feel like writing.
So I've been working out all week, hitting the 3 miles every day, and I can't help but feel like I'm still not reaching my full potential. I want to push myself with exercising. This mind-body connection is what's really got me going lately. I've learned alittle about paying attention to my heart rate while running and it's made me a better runner; if I could do that while lifting weights where would that get me?
I really would like to lose some weight too. But that's more a side effect of some other feeling. I feel like I'm hiding behind myself in my body sort of.

There was this song on the radio by U2 today called "get out of your own way". That's the kind of energy I need to be pumping in my ears. I really do need to get out of my own way. I'm pushing forward with my exercising- when will that translate to pushing forward my personality? I know that I only use like 40% of my brain. I do a lot of stupid things that I don't need to mention now. And I haven't really adapted to the social environment at work like I'd promised myself to. I've been quiet really. although I don't need to meditate on that now really because I've got tomorrow and next week to get through.

It's not so much that I'm quiet and hostile, it's that I have some subconscious beef going on with the bartender and cook. Mostly just the type of people they are makes my demons uncomfortable [figure of speech], and I'm not used to pushing my personality out of it's shell around them.
I really wouldn't like to observe this any further really. But I got to for the sake of being not a bitch really.

well, tbh the cook is hot af so that's not really beef just I think he's beefy. and my mind knows better than to let myself become the hot mess that I am around him so really I'm just preventing a landslide of personality degeneration. And the bartender, she, idk.
Sometimes I feel like the beef I have with her is that we're similar, but other times I feel like it's that she's got way more of a personality than me, and that she is the sort of person I'd like to be? that feeling certainly comes up a lot. There's also that question of who she reminds me of though. Why do I have such an issue being open around her?
I'm trying to decide whether it's a trauma from high school friendships with girls or just some deeper relationship pattern habits I form around girls because of my mom.
I'll go with the latter, because when I think of her as a mother figure she's easier to get along with. When I think of her as an equal, or even as a sister figure, I get alittle more confususudd...

most of it comes from me though. and how I think of myself. When I'm around her her presence reminds me of the parts of me that are unrefined, that I don't like, and then I start to panic in my head about that. I have a lot of internal clanking around heavy mental bricks to do.
now that my work is sort of cut out for me I'd like to sleep.
baby steps, me.




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