✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2019-04-03 07:22:03 (UTC)

Heart Broken


Dear Reader,

It’s 2:20 in the morning.. throat is clenched and tears are running down my face...

I keep imagining climbing onto the roof, walking to the side where grandmas room where it’s farthest from the ground, and jumping off.

Grandpa died a week before Christmas. Back in January my uncle Danny decided he needed to tell us to get our lives together.

I put an application to Walmart, and waited... but nothing came from it.

So, his daughter Heather decided to come get me Saturday morning, and take me to a dollar store nearby and apply, so we went and they told us to do it online. So I tried pulling it up at home, and the application was impossible. I couldn’t even find the location, it wouldn’t allow me to search, you have to scroll through thousands of locations, and plus it was super slow.

So I planned on driving yesterday since last week, I asked my brother R, he said yes. We’d go to the church close to where we live and practice in the parking lot.. he’s off on Tuesdays. I even asked my other brother E, if he and I could go yesterday, but he said no.

I applied to three more places yesterday. My uncle said he would be back to talk to us if nothing changed, and I had no idea he was coming today.

Yes it is my fault that I didn’t apply anywhere else until yesterday. It’s my fault I’m still in the same exact boat since I graduated. No one else is to blame...

But dammit I was proud of myself for applying to those jobs... I was looking forward to practicing driving today... I told grandma today that if I got hired at one of the lesser paying jobs, It would be worth the experience...

Like.. I literally just took some steps forward.. and then he came today, and got onto me for not doing what I literally just did.

And then of course him and E get into a screaming match. E literally opened up about a dream he wanted to pursue, didn’t even say that it was a priority, just something he wanted to try at some point, and Danny just.. I don’t fucking know. He just got mad. He took what E said as if he were going to be putting this dream in front of finishing high school and getting a job. And E tried defending himself. Danny did say things that were true about E, but Danny started the fight. Danny is the one who initiated it all... and then when E was frustrated and raised his voice, Danny fucking threatened him. “DON’T RAISE YOUR VOICE AT ME.” WhIle shaking a pointed finger at him.

It honestly pissed me off. I love Danny dearly, but if he ever hit my brother I would call the damn police. E didn’t threaten him, he didn’t do anything except raise his voice out of frustration during a fight that Danny started. Last time that I checked, it’s not legal to hit someone because they yelled?

I’ve had this feeling inside me for a long time now... feeling like... opening up as far as I have with Danny, and his daughter Heather was a mistake.

Ever since last summer.. he took me to the beach with his family, and I feel like.. I had to have done something wrong. I didn’t talk enough on the ride there... I knocked them out of actually enjoying their trip.. .. I don’t know. I just messed up.

Heather is a different story, but basically with her.. every attempt that I’ve tried making a connection with her.. I fail. I mess up. I’m so fucking awkward. I actually... opened up to her about a lot.. I came out to her, and I told her about J, and Josh... but it was at the wrong times I feel like... I want to be close to her... I don’t want to feel awkward with her, but I do... I can tell that I make her uncomfortable.. i don’t know how to fix it.


And now ever since the beach, I saw how Danny started looking at me. It’s like... imagine someone who looks at you like they’re mad at you, but they smile and are friendly in almost he exact same way before they started looking at you differently.

That’s how it feels.. he just slowly started being more quiet around me.. slowly started looking at me like... exactly what I am. A disappointment.


The thing is... even after everything that happened today.. he’s the closest thing to a father that I have... besides my grandpa. And even though I was a terrible and stupid kid... he still treated me like.. I was important as I got older.

But he doesn’t anymore.

There was a time I told him, when I was still in school.. about how she treated me. And he even shed a tear, and said he should have taken me and raised me instead.

He’s even told me a few times about how it was the same for him as he grew up.

But I just feel like.. I shouldn’t have opened up to him... i shouldn’t have gotten close.. because I knew.. my heart would just get broken. Deep down I knew that our relationship would end up like this.. I knew he was only ever interested in being at arms length with me..


It hurts... that I let him down.

I think it would be best to take up the draw bridges.. and distance myself. There’s not going to be a relationship with him passed a certain point, and it’s better if I keep the lines drawn in chalk.


I feel like the only family I thought that I had... is hardly a family at all.

Sincerely,
Me




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