Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2019-03-31 05:05:49 (UTC)

I'm really liking this ..

I'm really liking this routine I've fallen into lately. all the things I love I get to do in one day and by the end of it, I feel alright.

I'm still working on the work thing with socializing. But really it's a side effect of some internal shit. I realize that I have some anger things that manifest in my demeanor kind of subconsciously. It's not that I mean to be curt or disinterested, I just don't create the space emotionally for me to feel other things toward people I'm unfamiliar with.

I've been thinking off an on today about what it really takes to have a heart open enough to welcome in the people you meet as they enter your life. I don't understand entirely what it is about putting yourself aside, but I know that's a big part of it. At least for me.
I also know that I find that terribly frustrating that I feel like I can't front with my issues and things, that they always have to be put on the back burner if I ever want to be surrounded by people lovingly or so.

this is just a larger theme that I'll have to sit with before it becomes more clear to me how this all balances out. Or whether it does.

One thing that is clear to me though, is that life is a fucking blessing. I don't know how my eyes were closed to that ever before, but I was taking a walk today in the nice summer-y air, and my mind just clicked into understanding why we ever try at life. It made sense in brief glimpses of clarity that the interaction that I choose to make by plunging into life every day is it's own reward.

I think sometimes that we don't need relationships personally if we can all be in tune to that.


ugh. my brain though. it's tired tonight. And tired of rewiring my thoughts from hating what I think and say to understanding that it comes from a good place that's worth respecting.

tonight I was painting for awhile happily and thinking about my life. as usual. I thought for the first time about my story from high school from a different perspective. I realized that maybe I wasn't better off for being the 'favorite' child when my brother when through his depression thing. I saw how my looking up to him was still more of a distraction from the fact that he treated me shitty too. I used to love talking to him about my day, and then once he hit puberty it was like a switch where he stopped letting me talk to him, or listening at all. I wish he could've been more up front about why because it hurt me for a long time in a way I couldn't quite place. But I think he's always taken my presence for granted, and the effect it had on me was something of depreciation I think.
I never really thought too much about the intentionality of his behavior. it was just a given that he was my brother and that he'd be this way. Sometimes siblings aren't entirely grounded in the right support to support you. I wish I knew whether I could say the same for my side of things.

Because from the outside you see a girl who is trying to get everybody's attention focused on the important things- love, family, support and living for the hope of future dreams. I was centered around this idea that it was on my shoulders to rally the family together and get them back on track. But if you take that role I couldn't possibly fill out of the scenario, you see how I was neglected in the midst of everyone's preoccupation with tragedy. I was still a girl who needed to be told her worth, and reminded of it daily through action. I needed to be shown how to keep my heart open through the ebbs and flows of life. I needed the support to understand myself well and have that understanding give me confidence in my relationships, so that I could stick up for myself and what is right.

I couldn't give my family what I didn't have for myself.

I started out my childhood with all these things, but when my brother got older things went awry and all of it got lost to what seems like tragedy looking back. I wish that I could understand why these things happen.

jump cut to now. I can see myself through the eyes of our cook, who I noticed watching me. I think he's trying to figure me out. I can see how I'm not exactly an asset to the team, because my mannerisms aren't always welcoming, and it changes the atmosphere. More importantly, I'm icy to him especially. But only because I'm attracted to him and I know that if I start talking to him I'll be a train wreck at some point eventually.
not that I'd know what to say.

ugh.

well. it's late. I'm glad that I feel like I've reached a different place in my thinking. I feel less closed in by my thoughts today. I realized that life is still so open and that my family or history has no purchase on the rest of the way I'd like to live today. or tomorrow. or any day.
these things feel so obvious some moments and others not at all. why is life like that?




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