Wr1tt3n0ne

Bunches and bunches
2019-03-29 00:28:09 (UTC)

Validation

Neurosis and I are deeply acquainted, probably well past buying a vacation home together now. If you're new here, I am my own worst enemy. And yes, I sing along with it every chance I get.

"It's no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy
Cause every now and then I kick the living sh*t out of me..."
~Lit, My Own Worst Enemy

I do not have a drinking, partying, drug, or nasty beat you into a bloody pulp temper problem. I've been to Al-Anon meetings and lived surrounded by the need to go. Being surrounded by, among others, drunks, has left me anything but confident. Oh, I hide it and frankly better than 90 percent of the people I meet, that notwithstanding, I am not actually confident so much as a master of faking it. If you met me, you'd swear I was outgoing, I'm not, chatty to overly talkative, it is deceptive but I enjoy silence more than anything.

And so with the visitors I get, I accept that I am surrounded and seem to be communicating with those no longer on this plane of existence. As to running around being a practicing medium, I lack any of the self-confidence necessary despite my colorful life. It's a me problem not a them problem. Many, many years ago I came to the conclusion that this constant visiting was simply a feature of my life and even if other people didn't share in it, I needed to accept my reality or likely drive myself crazy. I mean when you talk to them and they answer you and you see them, how could any sane person then be firmly in denial of all of their senses. And the human mind is an adaptable thing, being as I was very young, the changes came more easily. Still, to help another ordinary person with their lack of connection with the spirits (cue the silly Scooby-Doo music) was way beyond me. I help people mostly by listening to their stories and reassuring them that I experience what they have experienced and no, they are not crazy. As to passing messages, well, I've been afraid that somehow I would be wrong and it would be bad. Kind of a weird fear, but ghosts don't really scare me and we've all got to have some irrational fear in our lives, right?

So, I found myself leafing through properties to buy. Flipping through online pictures doesn't seem to trigger me much and seeing a nice smaller home that had undergone recent renovation I clicked it. Modern, unremarkable front door, then the redone living room. And then something was so very, very wrong. In the pictures I saw a new updated living room, but then an older one and this figure stalking around it, too tall and all shadow to be a person. It was watching and it wasn't going anywhere. I managed to get to the next picture before I felt a jab of nausea overtake me violently. I frantically felt that the beautifully appointed kitchen was covering up an older one filled with horrific gore, just the smell was overpowering and I yelped trying to pull myself away from the monitor. Trying in vain to talk myself down from the sensation of my own rising bile. Something awful happened there. Something evil and I am not much of a believer in evil, but if the shoe fits...

I managed to get the window shutdown and the wave of nausea dissipated completely. I went to tell my husband who decided to Google the address and what came up was horrible. On that street one of those awful tragedies had occurred. A large portion of a family had been slaughtered, some of them young children. Reading through the news articles was enough to make your heart hurt.

So now I have to deal with the fact that apparently I can do this and I'm not wrong. I am out of excuses and am going to need to come to grips with the whole scope of my life. As much as I have accepted my lot in life, I never wanted to do medium work. Reading tarot cards seemed more harmless or maybe being a carnival psychic, like that mechanical one in Big. And don't get me wrong, even the unpleasant or the slightly painful aspects of it don't bother me too much, but getting here without working towards it feels very strange to me. In my average daily grind, I make life plans and complete them, I research, implement and check off my life goals. This is kind of organic and predestined for my taste. And it is not what I pictured in my five-year plan, you know?

I'd rather learn how to levitate. Lol, but it doesn't seem like anyone cares.




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