Scream Above the Sounds
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2019-03-26 14:07:46 (UTC)

Struggling To Find The Words

It's been ages since I've written. This website was always a good tool to try and help me think things through, recount experiences and just a good place for me to vent. I've always got stuff to talk about but it's just been hard to find the words lately. Let's wing it eh?

I'll start with some good news, me and my friend made up which was really great. I was quite scared originally, especially after he told me he had read my message but didn't know what to say. I kinda just thought 'that's that' and it was over. A couple of days later he messaged me and asked how things were and we started speaking more regularly, about the things we used to, video games, wrestling, all that stuff. He eventually invited me to play a game called 'Apex Legends' with another one of our mutual friends. It was great fun, it was just like old times really. There was no animosity or bad blood or anything, it was like nothing had ever changed. I'm glad to have him back in my life because he's been pretty instrumental for me in the last 10-14 years and he's a great guy. We agreed to watch WrestleMania 35 together and I think we both know what a shitshow it'll be, so I'm sure we'll have a good laugh watching that together.

Where to go next? I was supposed to meet up with somebody Friday night, not really like a date or anything...I don't know. She was a girl that I kinda had a 'thing' with when we were like 15 or 16. We usually see each other and catch up like once and year and I guess this was it. She invited me over but cancelled on the last minute because she said her son was really sick and she had to go and get him. She seemed genuinely gutted about the whole thing but, it was what it was I guess. She has asked to reschedule for next week so we'll see what happens. On Saturday night I went out for my friends 30th, which was quite fun but pretty uncomfortable in the beginning. I didn't really know anybody so I was kinda just clinging to my best friend who's birthday it was. I can socialise with people, no problem. I'm just not great at making that first move. I didn't really want to go out to town in the night but a lot of people didn't show up/were leaving/bailed and I didn't want to disappoint him, so I went home and got my shoes. You kinda have to wear shoes on a Saturday night otherwise clubs just aren't gonna let you in. The club we went to was decent, we had like some VIP thing or a table booked, it wasn't bad. I enjoyed the music. Several girls grabbed my bum at the bar though, that was quite uncomfortable haha. We called it quits about midnight and I ended up going onto an old rock club that I used to go to a lot when I was younger. I stayed there about 2am and then came home and finally crashed.

Yesterday we went out for my best friends dad's birthday (God that's a mouthful). He's like a second father to me, I pretty much spent my entire teenage years in their house rather than my own. He even referred to me as 'Pizza Boy' yesterday because they used to eat pizza a lot and I never really liked it. I do now though! I guess they converted me, haha. Anyway, it was great to see him. I hadn't seen him properly in almost two years I think, which is shameful. I felt quite bad for him because he was buying things for everybody, on his own birthday. Pints, food, you name it. It was really fun just to get out of the house and have a laugh with them though. It's something I don't do enough of.

Despite the parties, I've been quite anti-social the last two weeks. I guess that's why I haven't been writing very much either, I've just been completely closed off. I had a message from Louise pretty much saying that I never ever message her first, which isn't true but I suppose lately she has been messaging me more first. I told her that I was just in a shit place right now and that I wasn't really bothering with anybody and for her not to take it personally. I haven't seen her in a few weeks though and I do feel guilty for that. I think maybe a part of me is telling me to kinda 'chill' a bit because I guess I still feel really strongly for her and have done for a while now. I felt pretty bad so I messaged her this morning and asked her if she wanted to do something soon. I told her that I missed her and she said the same, I think we're going to do something on Sunday.

I need to get back into fitness too, I've been quite lazy lately. Like, I'm still working out and stuff but not to the extent that I was before. I can't really use the exercise bike at the moment because we have my mum's friend who is currently living with us. I guess she's having problems at home or something. She was staying for a few days but then left...and now she's back, so I don't know what's going on there. I might go for a run a little later today.

Whenever I feel like signing off, I always want to say that 'It feels good to be writing again' and it genuinely does, I just hope I can keep this up and it appears more natural, like it did in the beginning. Good to be back.


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