me

Me
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2019-03-26 02:27:32 (UTC)

beginning

My name is Kaiah. I’m a teenager. I go to Middle School. Yes, I have friends. I have a boyfriend too who I love with all my freakin heart. Things are chaotic at school with teachers and bullies but for the most part everything is good.
Home on the other hand isn’t the best. Home is supposed to be my safe place but it feels like it is more dangerous than anywhere I have ever been. It is not dangerous as in abuse or anything because that stuff doesn’t happen to me but it is dangerous emotionally. I can be so happy but then I could be super frickin sad. Some say I am bipolar. But they aren’t me.
No matter how hard I try to be happy at my house it never works. I am happy talking to my boyfriend or when I have friends over but when it is just me and my “family” everything turns into hell. I cry myself to sleep most nights. Hell I usually don’t go to bed until 3-4am because I have too much on my mind or I am just so hurt that it is all bottling up. I try to show my “family” I love them. Or loved them. But I always ended up getting hurt. I always get hurt by them. They have no fucking idea what they put me through. They don’t make my sister have a living hell. Fuck.. My sister and brother are the favorites by both parents. Then there is me. The middle child. Who gets treated like a goddamn slave because nobody in this house loves her enough to even think about her feelings.

Story #1: When I was like 4 or 5 my mom used to lock me in the basement with my siblings because she was too busy getting high and getting drunk with all her friends. I remember pounding on the door saying Mommy I’m hungry can I have some food and you know what she said? She said wait. She said wait because she didn’t care that I was starving she only cared about her drugs and her friends and the booze they had.
I felt so betrayed. I still think about it till this day and when she says I love you to me all I wanna do is scream do you really? She left us 5 times. I had to watch my own mother leave the house saying she was gone and she never wanted to come back. You know how that feels? It feels so fucking terrible. Man I remember hiding from the cops because one of her druggie friends was babysitting us and the cops came to our house. I hid. I cried. She never cared about me and she never will I fucking hate her so much I wish she was never my mom. I wanted to have this life where nothing went wrong and I could tell my parents everything but you know that was screwed up years ago. Since day 1.
Somewhere. Someday. They will realize how much they put me though. But when they realize… It will be too late.

Over the years I began to cut. I have 18 cuts on my wrist and thigh in total. It sucks that I resulted to that. I was 4 or 5 and already being put thru hell. I started cutting at age 11. I had enough of everything. But I can say I havent cut in a couple months and I tend to keep it that way.


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