Matt's thoughts.
2019-03-24 17:02:41 (UTC)

The state of things, and why I'm stuck.

I want to see a doctor, i feel as though it is always my fault. 'Its not depression, It's just that you feel stressed with your school work and assignments' I think to myself. Yes. I procrastinate until it kills me, and all i ahve to do to regain my will to live is to just do it, just do everything i have been putting off. However, I can't bring myself to do it. I feel as though, deep down, I dont want to help my self.
I want to fall asleep and drift off into eternity. No thoughts given to my loved ones, why should I? Its my life, it shouldnt be considered selfish. Granted i have people who love me, who value me. But I dont value myself how I should, and everything stresses me out when I have things to do. I am capable of many good things, I know it, but for one reason or another I give mediocre or poor results. Im not living for myself, Im living to please and to give, never taking, and one day i wont have any left.
I have to keep going apparently, "Just get it done" mr father says. I want to, but I cant, because why go on, if life ends up being this shit over and over. It's not even that bad, I have so many things in my life that I am greatful for, but these things can't give me a happiness for life, for living.
There is no beginning, no end. So why suffer now, this moment? Why not just break from these chains and fly away. Oh, except you cant break the chains, physically or mentally.
Suicide is apparently not a way out, its cowardly and selfish, think of how your family and friends will feel?
Leaving school would dissapoint everyone, the teachers you care about, your friends, but most importantly your parents, and then grandparents, who have only ever asked for their grandchildren to finish school and university.
I'll be a quitter either way. I guess I could just go for it and not look back, but if I don't look back I wont learn from my mistakes.

The dryer button is broken, i got angry and was sweaty, i have an assignment and a bucnh of homework due tomorrow, everything has piled up. If i am like this, in the beginning of my senior schooling, how will I fare when my finals come. I want to leave school, but then what are my options? Will I be poor, locked into my job, "You have to leave yourself options Matthew", "You have already come this far with school, just finish it", Ive never wanted to be at school for the schooling, It was a legal requirement. Now I am of age where I could leave school and enter the world, but with what credit. I'll become a builder, I like that, and it isnt the worst job.
I have a dream, and things will have to work out towards it. Otherwise they will be of almost no use to me.
Forget about the future, what about now? How do I fix this. Drugs? Prescription, right? Just go to a doctor and show him this, if you cant say it out loud. That will fix your problems!
I get angry when im stressed, or the opposite, deflated, not enough air, dying. I cant sleep at night very well, its because I am keeping myself busy with school, work, youtube or tv. Then when I try to sleep all the thoughts I should have made room for earlier invade, my mind racing, I toss and turn. I think that maybe some asmr or sleep music will help, but then the light from my phone and all the different titles arouse my mind again. Can't sleep, can't think, can't cope.
I still have an assignment due. If I dont do it and decide not to get out of bed tomorrow morning then dad or mum will find out, and out of their love scold me for being lazy and unmotivated, "Get a grip Matt.", "It's the way of the world, you just have to keep going on". Fuck that.
The thought of death is scary, and if I were to go ahead and overdose without thinking, those last moments will be my biggest regrets undoubtedly, but what does it matter, I'll be dead, ha.
Maybe if I give up in the morning I can spend my day outside thinking.
Sam is too loud, im trying to write and his stupid laugh makes me want to blow up.
Food makes me happy, also buying things. Watching youtube and construction class at school make me happy too.
Sometimes I think that the pursuit of happiness is more important than suffering to give myself options (Finishing highschool, uni, etc).
Whenever I pray, I cry, and God never answers.
Mum understands more than dad, but apparently I cant try to be happy now, I have to suffer first.
I want to play paino, that costs money that my parents dont have, so I work for it. 2-3 weeks and I might have enough for my piano.
I still feel like crap, but now im tired, I want to sleep.
But I cant sleep because I have to do my assignment, then wake up to finish it in class, then 4 more days of shit. Whilst doing tons of homework. Sounds fucking childish, I hate that fact, but I live on the border of that child and this adult, and it is tearing me apart.
I want a doctor,
sams too loud,