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2019-03-18 10:51:31 (UTC)

day 14

I was just thinking that sex with a girl, as a guy, must be amazing. the feeling of entering something has to feel better than having somethign enter you. which made me think that one of my biggest biological regrets is that I will never know what it feels like to have sex with me. it must be fucking fire.

So day 14, post tby. for real i think although I'm not over the tby situation just yet, i am at an incrementally better place. yes i'm still thinking about him almost 247, i still open his whatapp profile just to stare, waiting for him to appear online so that I can feel that momentary thrill and my heart jump.. He still has my earrings at his place and everytime i thin of that i feel a teeny weeny sense of hope. and i remember that time i was leaving his place wtih yvonne and i asked him for my earring- what i said was 'my earring collection is dwindling, can i have at least one?' thinking he was going to give me the whole lot (id left three in total - some deliberate and not), but this guy proceeds to select one from the little box where he's kept them - i see him literally go to his wwardrobe and select the hoop, and then wakl over to me and hand them... I can't help linking every thought to him, still. Or every conversation... can't help it... . I'm deffot not over him. not by a stretch. yes, there are situations that happen which help to carry my mind away from him, sometimes to such an extent that it even gives a very convincing impression that I'm over him, only to find myself reminded of him by something mundane and then feel that familiar sting in my chest as i'm catapulted back to that state of aching despair and regret and longing... . it's treacherous and tricky... .
One such situation occurred this weekend. nmx in my football team. i realised i had a little crush on him during the week - not because of anything in particular. but he just had personality and a bit more charisma than most guys on the team. and i dig charisma big time. again this isn't a guy that's conventionally good looking. facially, he wouldn't be everyone's type but i believe he possesses something that most women and men would find attractive and desirable. anywhooo, i agreed to go out with hnry on friday night, to 355, knowing he'd be probs roll up and he did. so when he posted on the group that he'd be on the way, i was so happy. sitting there, low-key excitedly waiting for him to arrive and wen he did, it was with a girl. immediately i wondered whether she was his gf but when he introduced me to her as his friend and other clues verified that fact, i relaxed. we spoke and it was clear that there was mutual attraction there. i did my thing and then when he had to go, i was so disappointed. then i left shortly after he did, and thought about him all the way home. so when i looked at my phone and saw text from him before i went to bed, i was obvs delighted. he thanked me for being 'super cool', hoped i had fun, get home safe and stay perfect. signed, his name. we had practice the next morning so i didn't bother responding straight away. but when i woke up, i replied. then i got a response straight away. and it seemed he wanted to have a full on convo. so he offers to come and pick me up, so that we can go to training together. i agree, and he comes to get me. then later in the evening, he calls me, and asks what I'm doing. then asks whether he can stop by. i say alright as long as he brings suya. he obliges and comes over, yvn is round too so we all eat, chat and stay up late. yvn goes to bed and leaves us two. we get to a point where our legs are touching eachothers lightlyy, our glances linger ever-so-slightly longer... at this point we're in my bedroom cos that's where the ac is. he makes a couple of false attempts to leave, announcing it but failing to see it through. and at the point where he decides to go to sleep cos he can't drive, we end up in my bed, cuddling. i could feel his hard-on on my ass, and it made me suuuper wet. then he started stroking and massaging my bum. wetter still. then he said 'we shouldn't' and i felt kind relieved. and even though he said that, of course he continued on. then it was my turn to say 'as much as i want to, i don't think we should'... then i fell asleep on his chest with my leg wrapped on him - it was super comfy. but at one point, as i lay on his chest, i found myself fantasing about toby and the last time we were togther. so even with another guy who argualby i like to some genuine degree, i still can't help but fantasiese about him. to cut the story short, the next day, iget another call from nmx. and he tells me that he's just pulled up to the games, and am i there, i said i was coming with Yvonne, and that bla blah blah blah, id be there soon. then he asks me to bring some of my weed for him rolled up cos he might go to see captian amaeria after the games. then i say 'ok cool' so i bring it, and when i arrive i call him to say i was there. he said he wasn't around cos he went to get some drinks for hnry but he was gonna be there in a few mins. when he does arrive, he walks in with some girl - she's stunning. her skin is so even as fuck - the kind of great skin that is just natural and god-given that no matter how many chemical peels i have in this lifetime, i will likely never achieve, cos this is genetics. and the skin on her legs too - it's soft and even too. she has a cute face. a bit of a chubby face but cute. she seems quiet. so i figure she's just a girl that he's talking to right now and she likes him (cos no girl comes to a sports game with a guy unless she actualy likes him, esp a nigrian one) .... they end up coming with yvn kola and i tot his event in lekki but they dip half way through and don't say where. so when we decide to go bcak to mine and chilla nd smoke, i mesge nmx to let him know and ask if he wants to come. and he says he'll be there in the next hour or so. i'm thinking great hes gonna cut her off and come alone. but then he texts to say 'i'm coming with her is that ok?' so when he arrives at mine with her, i'm thinking maybe its cos he wasn't able to shake her off and so just allowed her to tag along. and i feel confident that i haev more of a claim on him esp since i wasted no time making reference to how high he was last night, and to the fact that he was with me. but as the evening goes on, i notice that his arms are on her and he's close to her. and that he makes no attmept to spend alone time wit me. at one point i walked to the balcony umder the guise of wanting to smoke with t hem, cos thats where he was, only for him to move back inside shortly after I came out. she was in the bathroom at this point. and he walked in, almost as if he was ;llooking for her. like he didn't want to leave her unattended. as if he was afriad that one of the other guys would swoop in. and as the night went on, i noticed he started making more of a claim on her body, using his own body and i guessed it was cos of the other guys there. so just like that, something that i thought might become a thing didn't even get that chance to evolve into anything beyond a night in my bed. and of course i was annoyed and irritated, and a little gutted. i was hosting so i tried to hide it. i was so mad. like how do you do that? how do you think its ok? FFS you were feeling on my ass the night before and less than 2 hours later you bring another girl here and feel on her right under my nose. and the thing is i actually liked him enough that my mind would be taken off tby genuinely. not just as a forced, fun distraction. it just felt like yet another fail. and yes even though i was like the play should be 'lets be friends' it still feels like shit cos ultimately i know i like dhim somewhat.

this morning at 9:30am, he texted me to say 'thanks for being a great host. you've been wonderufl this past weekend.. hearfelt thanks. have a lovely week.'

I haven't responded. he can fuck off.