nerd™

the anger games
2019-03-15 17:43:49 (UTC)

753 days. prefigured grief

the terrorist attack in New Zealand Christchurch triggered my fears again.
things like this remind me how sudden and unfair death is and that at any given moment your life can be torn apart for absolutely no reason and everything you've ever worked for will be for nothing and the thing is, I'm not that scared of dying because perhaps death really is a release from this cold reality
but what if you're not the one who physically dies but instead it's someone you love? you will die too but much slower. everyone will be looking from the outside in and maybe some will try to help you cope but at the end of the day it's your life that was permanently ruined and all their help does not exceed thoughts and prayers on good days.
I don't even remotely know any of the victims. I'm not even from New Zealand but it's literally impossible for me to get on with my day as if nothing happened. I can physically feel the weight of their families' grief from across the seas.
what is the point of being alive if we're just an insignificant blink in this world? but as much as I want it to be over, I do realize that it goes both ways and that my death will leave my family in more pain than I'm worth so I will wait for my end to come for me instead of chasing it
but I truly can not handle losing anyone else and I mean it with every fiber of my being when I say that, if the universe decides to take someone else from me, I will not hesitate to follow them this time.




Ad: