Scream Above the Sounds
2019-03-15 04:11:51 (UTC)

In A Dark Place

I'm not even sure how to begin writing this. This week has honestly killed me, I feel so low, tired and pathetic. I feel like I'm in such a dark place and I don't know how to snap out of it. I'm so fed up of being alone, I feel like I'm existing and not actually living. I barely even communicate with people online anymore now. I've been very closed off this week. That being said, I reached out to one of my best friends, the one I fell out with a while ago. I told him I was sorry and that I missed him. He eventually responded and said 'thank you for reaching out' but said that he didn't really know what to say. I'm not sure what he means by that or where this is going to go. I'm glad he responded though, it's better than him just leaving me on read or whatever. I do miss him, he was very important to me and I spent a lot of time with him, several hours a day playing video games with him, watching wrestling with him and overall just chilling. He was great for me. We had a really good friendship, we loved the same music and had the same hobbies. We'd do anything for each other. He was in a spot of bother a few years ago and I lent him £500. I don't do that for anybody, I do that for him because he was like a big brother to me. He's seen me at my best and was there for me at my worst. He was amazing for me during the breakup with my ex. I can remember when he was going to court for custody of his daughter. We've both been through a lot together emotionally and it makes me really sad to think that our friendship may never recover. I was stupid, I said shit I didn't mean because I was angry and ultimately pushed him away. I won't message him again because I don't want to come across too clingy or overwhelming, I'll just have to leave him to think about it and hopefully he'll give me another chance.

It's 3:13am as I'm still writing here. I feel so tired but I just can't sleep. I've decided to reinstall WoW, I haven't subbed yet but I think I will. I need distractions. My evenings are as empty as I'm feeling. I miss my old circle of gaming friends, I miss people who have come and gone in my life, I miss my old apartment and kittens, I miss feeling okay. I just feel so low, like I'm on the verge of breaking down or something. I find myself stopping just to put my head in my hands because I feel so fucking sad. I'm hoping that this is just a bad week and it doesn't snowball into next week. I should be happy that it's Friday today and I can breathe. I just feel like I have absolutely nothing. I haven't felt this low since I originally moved back home. It's overwhelming. I feel like I'm starting to hate myself again. I just feel like I'm never going to find happiness, or even feeling content. Everything is such a battle and a grind and honestly, sometimes I feel like giving up but I just can't, it isn't in my blood. I would have killed myself last year if I felt this was it. I had the motive to do it. My world crashed and I lost everything. Whilst I feel like I can secure myself a somewhat decent future hopefully from college and eventually uni, I'm not coping well with this loneliness. I just wish I had people in my life. I just feel really, really sad.


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