Scream Above the Sounds
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2019-03-14 17:38:13 (UTC)

Emo Day

It's been an awful week, I can't even dress it up. Very demotivating, it's dragging and I'm honestly just so fed up. I've been listening to Brand New all day today. This band got me through some really rough stuff in my teenage years. Their music is so good. I'm struggling to write lately, again I think I'm just not very motivated to do anything. I'm getting lost in my thoughts too much and my sleeping is getting really bad. I'm still awake at 5am most mornings, I just feel like I'm slipping a little.

I've been trying to get back in contact with one of my friends, he was a best friend prior to our fall out. I said some shitty stuff and my behaviour was pretty embarrassing. We havn't spoken since like October I think. I sent him a message via Facebook and he's read it, so I guess he's either weighing it up or I should take that as a sign that he doesn't want us to be friends anymore. I don't really know, I know I really upset him and I have apologised a few times for that. He was a good friend though, I had known him since I was about 16 and I'm 28 now. He's the one I went to visit in Sweden last year, we had a great time too. It was really fun and a great experience, it depresses me quite a lot that I've probably lost somebody who was very good at keeping me grounded and focused and was also one of few people who actually gave a shit about me. I don't want to seem clingy or obsessive, so I'm going to hope that it's the former and he's hopefully weighing things up and won't let our friendship truly crumble because I acted like a prat. I don't know though, I think as long as he's happy and is enjoying life, that's the main thing. I mean I probably wouldn't be my friend either, when I recount experiences and events that have happened in my life, I feel like I'm a very toxic and volatile person. It's not really a surprise that my friends are limited or people leave. I'll try and remain hopeful. Depression fucking sucks.

I haven't really got any plans tonight, shocker right? This is why WoW was so good for me, it was the ultimate time sink. I could play that game for hours and get lost in something. It was a great distraction and really helped me manage my depression. I'm contemplating going back for a bit but I feel like I'm viewing it through rose tinted glasses and it won't be what my heart is telling me it is. Plus I don't really have any friends who play it anymore, I don't know. I'm thinking about it I guess. I'm gonna work out in a bit shortly and then I guess I'll just play on the Switch for a bit. I should really watch the Arsenal game tonight but I just don't feel up for it. Maybe I'll feel a bit better after I work out.