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2019-03-13 22:44:23 (UTC)

day 9

It's wednesday and i found myself laughing easily again, in a genuine way. I felt good about that. and grateful. But i won't lie. he's still in my head. he seems wrapped in all my thoughts, and even the ones i haven't yet had. even when he's nothing to do with it, i still find myself looking to him as an audience. like he's the eyes looking over my shoulder. i can't shake him.

It's wednesday and i also haven't heard from him. last time he messaged me was monday 4th of march. it's the 13th of march today. a month since valentines day fuck up. it's been 9 days and no word. this is the longest weve ever gone without speaking to eachother. during this time, i've hcnaged my profile picture like 2 times, whereas i'd usually leave one there that i was happy with, for at least 2 months or so. i wonder whether he noticed the picutre changes too (i have a feeling he might have to be honest, because i know he looks at my dp - e.g. when i changed it to the yoga pose, he referenced it almost immediately). I first of all changed it to the photo of me and some girls at the beach. five of us in the photo and i looked the cutest, in the middle. however it was a little over filtered, cos that's how one of the girls sent it to me... . that was last week. then later this week, after remembering that jackie told me that a friend of hers saw the photo that she and i took at the beach in december, and said that i was 'beautiful'. that's when i decided to get that photo, which i'd already stored in my 'fave' album, and use it as my dp. and it is a beautiful photo indeed. effortless. I'm at the beach, in my most natural state, my braids pushed to one side and towards the front, a few strands over my eyes. I'm looking into the camera, lips parted so my teeth are visible. like i'm mid-expression almost so it looks super natural. supernatural. also the my complexion, which is normally a cool golden yellow, has a baked reddish brown hue, like cinnamon blush. my lips look full and a natural nudish pink. i look fucking hot. and i KNOW he must have seen it cos he changed his yesterday late morning. Well he didn't just change it. He took his old one down for a couple of hours or so - whicih understandably through me into a silent panic. as i was leaving the house to get into the taxi yesterday morning, i quickly went to get a quick look at this profile - something i've been doing, not for anything reason in particular. maybe i'm just hoping to see him online and know that ok he's still breathing. as long as he's still "around" theres gotta be hope. but when i opened my archived chats (where i'm currently storing him.. ) i immediately noticed that the red dp wasn't there. I panicked. i clicked on it, and saw that there as no dp. what the fuck? had he blocked me? deleted my number? changed his number? then what followed was a frantic google search on 'how to konw if someone blocked you/deleted your numnber'. i needed to know which it was. checked his whatsapp dp again in the taxi and when i saw him come online, my heart jumped with joh and then slowed down again. i felt a sense of relief but also a tiny pang of excitement having narrowed down this mystery to two other possibilites - either he took down his dp, or he deleted my number. oddly, at the thought that if he had in fact deleted my number suddenly felt like the more exciting , preferable possibity. cos that would mean he was feeling something, and any feeling was good. better than indifference or lack of enthusiasm.cos i know that if i just wanted to fade someone out, i would jus stop speaking to them i wouldn't go thru the bother of deleting the chats from people we no longer speak with or haven't spoekn to in two years. why would i go and delete this one person, unless i was feeling something.

I keep having this other fantasy that maybe tby is still playing a game. that this is all part of the master plan that will eventually lead me and him being together at some point. cos he told me that i need to be with someone that i respect. that if i don't respect them, i can't even sleep with them. so i just need to be with someone who will fuck with me so that i can rsepect them. then he said that even though i would be a littel irriataed a part of me will also be like 'come here and get some of this pussy'. and i agreed with him at the time, in jest, but i didn't push back on that characterisation. so is this it? is this his way of fucking with me? the fucked up part is i hope it is. what if it is? he did say, you're M15 i'm M20 or osmething along those lines. and what if he truly is? what if his own level of gaming the mind, is on another level? he's a computer science grad so he has the mental ability. i mean...... . yea that's whats up. what if this is all part of a plan? the most telling part will be whether or not he contacts me. cos at this point, i think it's fair to say that even if we only met two weeks ago, either of us would have noticed that we haven't exchanged words in a while. it's been 9 days and other than a profile pic chnage which lets be fiar i can't even 100 percent attribute to the events of late, nothing. it'll be two weeks on monday next week. and three weeks the monday after that. can it go that long? given that at this point, we're both holding off (and i'd like to imagine, mutually, for the other to go first,) i'll bet he will. i can't imagine him contacting me this week. if he does i'll be surprised. i also can't imagine him contacting me next week. next week will be 2 weeks going on three week.s and even then, the idea that he'll probably not reach out, remains a very real and likely possibility in my mind. when if it goes onto a month? at that point, once it gets to a month i feel like that's probably it.. like after a month he's not gonna come randomyl from the blue with a hi. after a month that's it, we're not speaking to eachother again. every day that goes by is supposed to be me getting closer to getting over him. but the more days that go by, it jut makes me sad and tearful to think of how many days have gone by where he hasn't bothered to reach out. which then pulls another conclusion into the mix, which is that this guy didn't really see you the way you'd like to think he did, all special and that, that he didn't care for you, despite himself, that you didn't knock the breath out of him like those other girls did, what with one of them living with him for 6 months etc. maybe he's on a rebound. maybe he's still in love with that girl. who ever the fuck she is. i need to know. and i konw that the only time i'm able to act as callous in romance, as he has been towards me, is when I am still yearning for someone else. when i am in loev with someone else. i did it to tsn, i did it to paolo, i did it to chba effectively... cos i was in love with tyo. and even tho it was reciprocated by him, we couldn't be together since he had a gf. so in a way you could say that I was directing the anger and frustration I felt tyo for not being with me, towards these guys. played games because i knew that no matter what they did or said, i would always come out on top because ultimately I wanted somethign else so i just didn't care. so is that what he's been doing with me?

But in a month i should be well on my way to being over him, right? or what if this is like a dvy rome who i only went out on two dates with but didn't get over for a good year and half or so. it was so strange. what if it takes me a while to get over him? the only next plan is success and getting w to write for a photo book i'm doing. when we have the exhibition at the aaf for which w has also written, he's obvs gonna invite tby. but what if that's in a few months ? but then again. maybe it won't have to come to that? i was thinking to myself, if i do this photo book, it'll literlaly be for this boy. which would be akin to this fantasy i have of someday writing a book or publishing a book, and dedicating it to a life partner. "i hang onto your every word", it would say.

it'll be ten days tomorrow. the no contact thingy says 30 days is ideal. 10 days. so 20 more in between. or 3 lots of tens... fuck.

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