Eel

Revisiting

Spotify's 2017 playlist came on. The rewind hit a dozen of my old favorite songs. The emotions I was feeling from them were powerful. Lots of fresh memories from UIC and working came flooding in. I had no idea how to feel. But for some reason, I think I was more inspired then. Maybe it was because I was surrounded by more people I cared about I think. I'm not sure if that's true though, it still felt pretty lonely in college.

I'm starting to regret the commencement ceremony draft I sent in to Delaney. I basically slandered my counselor and admitted I was a gay Latino Muslim. Things like that can't be said out loud; they're gonna think I'm insane for wanting to say it. I probably should have just backed out. But this is my high mind typing and talking again - again recently involved in this dumb journal. To what does it owe my...pleasures?

There's so much content to study and assignments to finish before midnight later today. And I've been awake for several hours. It's 5:30 in the morning. I should have been sleeping but instead I've been smoking. I should be relaxing my brain but instead I'm working it more. I have to feel like I'm doing something. I have to feel like I'm decompressing. if I don't...I don't know. I can't handle it. I've been dodging Oscar too, he's been freakishly joyful lately, but his recent "apology" was nothing more than an excuse to vent how hurt he was. I'm annoyed by it but giving our friendship another shot. Maybe he's trying to not show flaws or be emotional, but I don't care anymore at this point. Guys don't interest me. I keep breaking my streak. I feel like I'm in the worst stages of my college life. I just want to sleep and study, and what I really want to do is just eat and sleep lol. But I'm too broke to eat.

So I play Bit Heroes instead. And I level up pretty quickly. Overwatch can be annoying sometimes. Especially because I recently started playing with Pito and he just can't grasp how bad he's gotten. Fishing on Bit Heroes is a good way for me to de-stress too. Sometimes, I feel like I'm about to have a heart attack on Overwatch, because I get so focused I think I forget to breathe. Isn't that just stupid? I just get so high and so zoned in that my brain jumpstarts me and I take deep, long breaths sometimes. Maybe that's why I sigh and yawn all the time. Maybe I need to have a healthier lifestyle, lol. Yikes.

I've been looking at new grad residency jobs. Memorial hasn't contacted me yet, but they just said that one job is left in surgical, so I have to start looking for jobs in Chicago as a backup. I really don't want to move back in with my mom. I want to be in my own place away from obligations with my family. It hasn't felt together in forever. Bless my Florida family for wanting me to visit but they all act like we can just get a ticket and leave. I've been stuck in Springfield forever and I don't have the courage or the compassion to visit. It's a long haul and it's exhausting, and being there can be even more exhausting. Especially when I need somewhere to smoke.

I want to go back to the days where I could just hit up Hassan's apartment and sleep with him next to me. Those were amazing days. I want to try and get in Advocate Masonic because of it. If I'm serious about it, then I have to start getting clean now, because Lord knows when I'll be ready for the interview. But I have to be quick about it because those jobs fill up fast. Every time I message hime I tell him that. I feel like I'm regressing sometimes. When I'm scrolling through Facebook, I've just stopped asking myself what I'm doing -I gave it up for a reason. Now my productivity has overall declined and I'm back in square one again, breaking my self-repair streak every 3 days and smoking all the time. This has to stop or I'm screwed. I can't dip into my savings now, I've been doing so well.

UIS students have just gone home for spring break. We're just gonna be at classes again for a whole week with no one there. Man, if it snows again I'm gonna be so pissed. But I have these new black boots that are giving me life. I want to wear them on a nice day and walk in and stunt on everyone because I'm gonna be taller and leaner. Maybe now's the time to start going back to the gym. Productivity was a waste - I need to start making use of my subscription. But every time I see it I feel so unmotivated. Unfortunately, I know exactly why. There is also so many clinical posts, journals, evals, assignments to do... I'm so over it. Readings and assignments galore. I wonder if I'll even see Sean - he said he would be in Springfield this Sunday but I doubt it. He ditched me on the week of my birthday so...he's self-obsessed. I'm not even mad, I'm gonna get to that level too. Just when I have something about myself worth loving.

Ah, wait. I do bitch.
I dropped everyone on Tinder and uninstalled Snapchat again. I deleted Grindr and Scruff. I interviewed Lopez for Humans. I'm taking baby steps to get myself back on track but I'm still a little behind. Acute care exam is tomorrow (5:50 am now) and I'm still reading the textbook chapters. I also have to read the peds asthma section before I start any of the asthma assignments. Maybe I should wake up tomorrow and make some eggs and bacon because it's gonna be a long day.

Productivity, here we (eventually) come!