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2019-03-09 14:50:15 (UTC)

today - day 5

today has felt worse than i anticipated. I knew that yes, it'll be hard being alone and having to face the feeling of solitude esp in relation to tby, full on, but i didn't think it would be this hard. i even started crying again this morning, not long after i woke up. just crying because of the pain i felt from knowing i wouldn't see him anytime soon. the more days that go by without hearing from him, the better it is for my healing process, yet at the same time the clearer it appears that I won't hear from him. And the fear is that another week may go by and I will not hear from him. I suppose it hasn't really sunk in yet. the prospect of a future where he and i aren't in contact. admittedly, part of th reason why this week felt easier as time passed, is because i was/am still holding on to the belief that surely after the first week of no contact mutually, he will reach out to find out what's wrong or to check that i'm still alive, at the very least. and the truth is if i'm serious about trying something again with him i need to get to a point where i don't care or am not pining for him. and at this point i still very much care. I'm still pining for him. that's the truth. If he called my phone now i'd answer after two rings, for fear that he'll hang up before the third ring. and that's tragic. the fear also is taht he hasn't built enough of a dependency on me to miss me. the fear is that while i'm not reaching out to him, and it's hurting me, he could also be planning on doing the exact same thing which is to

maybe that was why he was so callous last weeknd. so that i'd be the one to leave him alone, not the other way around. he wanted me to leave him alone so he just became nasty, flaky, more aloof than ever before - fuckboyish, basically.

He hasn't heard from me at all since sunday night, 7pm ish. I wonder whether he's looking at his phone, whether he's been to my whatasap profile to check whether i'm online, the same way i'm doing his. or whether he's wondering if i'm going to say anything. i wonder at what point he'll realise that we haven't spoken in 2 weeks. will he feel compelled to reach out to me. and even though he does, he'll probs only say hey, how are you...? something typical of him like that.
I'm either blowing it all out of proportion, and in my mind i'm thinking i did the most, the whole power shift thing - cos who knows maybe it's not as bad in his eyes, and maybe he'll just contact me during this week as if nothing's changed. Or i'm actually not giving enough weight to the fact that he's actually never contacting me again, deciding it's a lucky miss and he dodged a bullet.

I hope it's the first one. if it's the first one, i'll just respond with something that frank told me to say. but i must let him do the work, still somehow. but how do make someone do work when they obviously don't plan on having a relationship with you.

"hey I'm good. hope you are too" although let's be honest, i know that as soon as i send that message, less than 10 mins after not receiving a response from him, i'll regret it, thinking - fuck i should have given him something to work with. I'll send the message to frank and ask him to help me respond. frank said something about being cold but still giving him something to work with.

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