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2019-03-08 11:37:14 (UTC)

Day 4


I just read this piece and it's rather helpful. I think it's good to start each day, reading something like this. that reminds you of what and why and the reason you're doing what you're doing. No contact, in my case. I feel better today. I think for the first day this week, i woke up and he wasn't the first thought I had in my mind. although, within minutes of realising that, he quickly entered my mind, go figure. Still though, I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for every little bit of progress that I make. I have to remind myself to focus on the little wins. Lots of little wins lead to big wins. and I have to be mindful of that. this means avoiding doing certain little things that at the time may not seem that big, but really are slippery slopes, for big regression. All of that said, i haven't been as good as it seems. Internally, i'm still pining for him. sexually at least. I can't imagine having that same kind of sexual chemistry, explosive, wild, dirty af with anyone else. the shit he talks. I listened to one of the recordings from last time. from saturday night, actually. I wanted to hear us having sex...so i took one. I was feeling horny last night, after having a blunt. I thought of calling lnre. but no, he wasn't the one i was fiending for. i started thinking of tby, and how he is - his guttural groans, his shallow breathing. his panting. and cos i was high, i could hear everything so well. Before i knew it, i was dripping wet. literally dripping. was lying on my front and it had dripped down onto my sheets where it left a cold damp patch. I think i came like 4 times in total, just touching myself. it was mad. now do you see how it's very hard for me to let that go? someone who has that effect on you. and needless to say, he's not even that good looking. fuck. although, to be fair, every girl i've shown his picture and asked 'do you think he's good looking', in an effort to find fault amidst my downward spiral into obsession, has said yea he's attractive. which has pissed me off. they've also said 'you have a type'.... me too i'm noticing i have a type. as in facial feature, bone structure etc. funnily enough I was looking at a photo or watching someone on youtube. and I asked myself - do i find them attractive? and i thought, yes, as a matter of fact, i do. then i felt a small sense of triumph, because if i could find this random dude attractive, it must mean that there is hope. that tby doesn't have a monoply on my eyes. and then i noticed something. that this guy had exactly the same bone structure/head shape as tby. the same thing happened again - me feeling triumphant at the attraction i felt for someone, only to realise that 'oh shit, this person's face bears similarities with tby'.... then finding that i haven't taken any steps forward, it's just wishful thinking and my mind playing tricks.

anthony joshua, ben affleck type face - basically long, square face with a heavy mouth/jaw/neck area. If they have full lips, all the better. those are the kind of facial features that I can't help but find myself attracted to.

Obvs my solo antics last night were not ideal. I really shouldn't be fantasising about him and getting myself off to any thoughts of him. But alas. Even though it made me feel good, i'm sure somehow it's regressing any emotional progress that i'm making. but it felt soooo good. I should stop. although i have to ask though, when does that become ok? when is it ok to have thoughts about this person? someone will probs respond when you no longer feel any emotional ties to him. I think the problem with me, is this - when I really really fancy a guy, the way i did tby, i become unrelaxed, obsessing over the outcome rather than enjoying the present. that's why with a friend, i can literally just fuck and it'll be all about having fun and i won't think about it. like paolo. or tosn. the fact that those two guys fell for me - i thnk it's cos i was just fcking with no expectations. and it wasn't even on some pretend shit. i really wasn't looking for anything. with paolo maybe at the start for like 15 mins lol. but then i got over it in a second. and that's when he started trying to see me. like asking when i was gonna come over. same with tsn. there was a moment when i thnk i was feeling his flex. and then it was over fast. and he started checking for me heavyyy. like really really. but i wasn't into it like that.

I noticed that with all these people, it's when they started to like me i got laxed. well, actually i think it's when i got laxed they started to like me. cos the truth is that i was in love with tyo at the time. during both tosn and paolo. i was so into him. so even if there was another guy there, i could give him just enough affection for him to feel good, but still want more. and it was authentic too. there were no calculations behind it. that's why it was so effective.

I keep asking myself whether he's gonna come back. did we build enough of a foundation that if he doesn't hear from me in 2 weeks, he'll send me a message cos he misses talking to me. I mean we met a handful of times, and id like to think that in each of those meetings we exchanged enough of our energies to share something. but going by that phone convo we had where he told me he doesn't want a relatioinship and he siad he tries to remove emotion out of this...etc. maybe he'll just dismiss any feeling he feels as silly emotion. But i'm obvs hoping that what will happen is that he will miss me and after a few weeks, he'll have some kind of epiphany. that I am one of a kind. and that having me in his life is something that he needs.

i have a few strategies that'll at least get myself in front of him. all to do with creativity of course. i need to do that #first time video series. I'll get everyone he knows to do it. including moji and tey. they'll post it on their profiles. that's three people. he's likely to see it. I'll try and make it go viral. I'll get wlm to give me his 'viral button'.

On a different note, I just got a call from lnre. he was in bed when he called and I was really happy to hear from him. like it was obvious that I was happy and i think he knew. i asked him when he was gonna be back and he said this month. and i asked hwen and he coyly said sometime this month. anywho. i wonder what will happen when he comes. between us, i mean. I aim to treat him like a friend more than anything. I think i've just figured out the hack to getting with someone who you really like. treat them like a friend first. and think of them like a friend first above anything. for me, at least. cos it's my guy friends that normally try it on with me and in a more serious way. that's cos, because i don't like them romantically, i'm less self aware around them. my guard is down and so i allow them to see a side of me that a typical love interest of mine, like tby, wouldn't. so the next time i like someone, i'll treat them like a friend. i'll message them the way i would a friend. call them the way i would a friend. I wish i'd done this with tby fromt he start. but if he comes back, i'll find a way to do it again.

read this...odd but some interesting maybe useful things i can pull out ?