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2019-03-07 09:09:56 (UTC)

still suffering

I'm still suffering. while I'm not crying as easily as earlier in the week, I still feel that blunt ache in the bottom of my chest above my stomach. At the fact that he's not here anymore. I think it's the fact that the weekend is looming and the long stretch of the election day is upon us. I'll be in the house by myself with my thoughts. When I know that if things had continued to go normally, we'd have spent the day together, bundled up indoors. I'm so sad. it's awful. I've been in a meeting just now and checked his profile on whatsapp, knowing that he tends to be online aroudn this time. sure enough he was. i just stared at it. i feel awful, i dont know what to do. mornings are possibly the worst. and then evenings. evenings, at least there's the comfort of knowing that another day is coming and the hope that he might get in contact is still there. but mornings... knowing that there is a long stretch of time of day where i don't have a clue whether he'll contact me or not. the last time we spoke, well, he texted was monday this week. the longest we've ever gone without speaking is 5 days. Will he message me tomorrow? or on friday? or on saturday? Def not on sunday. he never messages over the weeknd. I know that this weeknd if going to be hellish for me. I can already feel it. it'll be so difficult because at least in the week i have some distractions, obligations etc. weekends it's just me myself and i. Isi is having a night out on friday. I'm wondering whether I should even go to it. I think i will though. I'll invite yvonne. then she can spend te day with me on saturday and go on saturday evening. then on sunday maybe i'll go for pick up games? maybe. i don't know.

I wish my phone would start ringing and when I look at the caller ID it'll be him calling. I can't help myself. I'm regressing right now, i know. because all through otu the week, i've had a more resolute stance or tone. now i"m litertally saying 'i want him to call me' I wish he'd call me. I don't know what else to say.

What is the likelihood that he will or wont? I mean we've spoken weekly for the past two months. If i don't speak to him in 2 weeks, he'll deffo notice for sure. But does that mean that he will come forth? or will he be like 'whatever' ? My fear too is that he'll be relieved to not hear from me, and think 'thank god it worked' cos as frank made me understand, sometimes whena guy wants out of the situation but doesn't wanna be the bad guy he'll do everything to allow the relationship to rot, that means sometimes doing nothing. If i don't contact him for 1 week, 2 weeks or dare i say it, three weeks, it'll obvs be cos I want to give him space to contact me. cos i wanna get his attention. cos i am desperate to hear from him. But my fear is that he'll call my bluff. That he too, will also go silent. he'll not say anything. I've also shown him through my actions and our interactions last weekend and the days leading up to it, that he can pretty much behave disrespectfully and I'll still come to him. I'll still allow him to have access to me. I mean I'd like to have th upportunity to reclaim that self respect. and I think the only thing left for me to do now, the only way to do that, the only card i have left to play is silence. Which essentially kills me, more than it'll kill him. So what's the point? - it feels like. obvs i know the point is to heal and in order to make this happen i need to go through this process of pain to get to the other side.

I don't think i've ever written so much about one person i such a short space of time before.

I keep going back and forth between being resolute about my decision to remove myself from the situation and to go the silent route, and wishing he'd call, and even hoping that my silence results in him calling or contacting me.

I should have stuck with delux's instructions more consistently.

What i need to do now, is figure out the thoughts that lead me to feeling more in control - is it remembering all the nasty ways he treated me? Or is it thinking i wanna go and work on my own shit so that in 3 months he'll see it and know that i'm the motherfucking shit?

It feels awful.

Update - i went to sugar cane for some breakfast and it was awful. I found myself in despair again, kept fighting back tears. as i was eating my food. it was weird. chewing food and crying at the same time. i did have mellow sad music on at the same time, to be fair. But i kinda thought this is inevitable. let me allow myself to feel the pain. rather than try and distract myself from it. i believe that while distractions are ok, it's important to feel the pain in order to move past it.

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