2019-03-07 01:32:19 (UTC)


I know it's weird to do 3 entries in one day but I don't really care. I like to believe I have people who like me and love me and care for me but then I realize I am just believing so it's not real. It hurts when time is going to fast and I can't keep up. It feels as if I am running and running and running and no matter how fast I run I will never catch up so I am here. stuck. In everyone's past. Not surprised. I would want to be in my own past but that's not how it really works. I just wish you could feel what you say so I could say I am happy and everything will be okay and not how it is right now. I was hurt today. I was hurt to the point where I couldn't stop crying and I am still crying on the inside. I want to be someone who is cared for and I want to be someone who is pretty and smart and funny so people will like me. Believe me it sucks knowing your breaking and breaking and nobody sees it... not even yourself. Your heart is saying help but your mind is saying I am okay even though it knows it is not okay but you just want to believe you are okay hoping that if you believe hard enough it will happen but it doesn't happen and you are disappointed now that you just wanted to be okay. Everyone says you will be okay but will I? If I was okay I wouldn't be writing this. I wouldn't have to cry myself to sleep every night. I wouldn't need someone to tell me I am okay. So I guess you could say I am not okay. But who is? Is anybody really okay? I believe everyone is hurting deep down but the ones who have the biggest smiles are the ones who are better at hiding it. But one day eventually those people who are soo good at hiding it will break too and it will be bad but then they will say they are fine because they want to think they are. I am one of those people. I am drained. I have nothing left in me. I try and I try and I try and I try but it is never good enough. I am not good enough. I almost was at one point but that ended quickly. But then again almost is never enough. I want to be fine. I want to be okay. I want to be happy. But I can't when nobody will let me. I just want to be normal. I want to be happy and nobody judge me so I can just be me and like me for me but I don't and it makes me laugh when people say they like me because they are liking a failure. I just wish I was good enough for the world to notice me. For me not to be invisible. I can sit somewhere and be there physically but mentally be somewhere completely elsewhere. I want to be sitting somewhere and be there physically and mentally. I am just sick of it all.