2019-03-07 01:31:49 (UTC)


Its so much easier to say I am okay even when I am not. I have had a bumpy ride lately and it hasn't felt the greatest because everything has ended with me getting hurt and I am done getting hurt because a person like me can only take so much pain before they break. My heart has been shattered so many times that now whenever someone says follow your heart well what piece do I follow? I sit in my room.. in the dark.. and think about how hated I am by everybody around me. No matter how many people say that it is not true they have no idea what it is like to be or to be in the same shoes as me and it hurts because I just want somebody to understand all the way but nobody will because nobody's me. You can say I never give people a chance but its not just that. I can't give a chance because nobody will understand or get it and I will just get my hopes up then to watch them fall apart. Everything someone says to me has a huge effect on me and has a massive effect on how I see the world. I can't help it. Its not easy having that change constantly but I have learned to deal with it. I just need someone to tell this too but I can't because everyone I let into my life eventually leaves. My life is basically one huge open door that lets people in and they leave. Like I said I always get hurt in the end and nobody cares because its just me. Nothing special. Nothing worth worrying about. I am just a human being.. nothing more... So why do I still try? I don't know but something in me wants me to keep holding on because it sees something that I am too blind to see. Spilling my thoughts out is hard because as my eyes water up with tears I can barely see what I am typing. I hate hearing that people hate me or they want me to die because I thought I had worth but I guess I don't if that is how people feel about me. Yes I have friends but what if they were only my friend because they felt sorry for me or they actually like me for who I am... haha doubt it... nobody likes me for me. Not even I do. The funny thing is is I don't even know who I am. I am a complete stranger to myself. So how do people know me if I don't even know myself. I am useless. Again. Everyone gets tired of me eventually. I have all these goals in life that I don't even know if I can reach it. Some of my goals involve traveling the world, finding out who I am is, and finding out if I even have a value anymore. I have cried a lot from all the hurtful things that has happened and if anyone looked at me they could see the pain in my eyes, they could hear the pain in my voice, they could even see the pain in my tears. Pretending I am okay is something I have perfected. I just need someone to tell me that I will be okay and that there is hope and that I am not just some piece of garbage. I just need someone to tell me that everything will be okay.