2019-03-07 01:30:44 (UTC)

My very first entry

So I am not going to do the basic dear diary crap or anything like that. Let me start off by saying today wasn't the best. I started thinking and I thought about how much everybody doesn't want me. I am not the typical pretty girl or the smartest person ever but people have these expectations of me that I will never live up to. I want people to like me for me and stop setting unrealistic expectations I can't live up to. I always end up letting everybody down and I always get hurt. Yep... I am always the one who gets hurt. People say oh how are you and I say I am fine but I'm not really fine but the universe doesn't really notice. I might as well be invisible. I feel invisible. I feel like I am in an ocean drowning and I am screaming for help over and over and everyone sees me but nobody cares enough to save me so I am drowning. You know the funny thing is is nobody even cares about me let alone loves me. I absolutely hate myself. Why can't I be perfect? Why can't I be like the Instagram girls who have everything they want in life. I want something in life. This one boy. Melts my entire world away. Every time I am  around him I am careless. Every thing I was worried about is gone, and I am free. He makes me happier than everybody else and he makes me smile like crazy!! The little things he does makes my day. His laugh... omg... it has me smiling from here to Neptune. I don't think he likes me back though but its okay. I just want him to be happy. Even if it means I am not happy myself. It hurts deeply, believe me I am barely hanging by a thread. But I will make it through because I have for awhile now. Its easy to say it will be okay and that your happy but the struggle is actually being okay and smiling. Day after day I put on a fake smile but when I get home I burst into tears because I have been holding on for too long that the thread I was hanging by breaks and I am falling apart. I am just tired of being hurt. :(