2019-03-06 12:06:27 (UTC)


Here I am again.
Every time I access this journal, it's usually every once in a long while, but here I am again typing within the same month. Is it maybe because changes are occurring? Or am I so stressed that I need to find out different things to do? I don't really feel like myself. I've been high the past couple of days. Depression is a bitch. Anxiety is still annoying. I feel like I have to sacrifice things to be this golden, perfect image of myself. But for whom am I making this image for? Why am I constantly making the same mistakes? I don't want to change who I am. But I don't know if the resistance is because I know I have to change or because I shouldn't change. Maybe I would become a worse person if I changed who I was. But how would I know?
So far the method is to try and incorporate positive habits to develop a positive lifestyle. But I'm near broke, always high, always studying, and always procrastinating. It's up to me again - to acknowledge the truth which I so highly value in my relationships. Maybe I'm being forced to deal with my own shittiness and self-loathing until I can find a way to conquer it and step forward. But maybe I'm just not being positive enough. There's just a lot of maybes. But I don't want to return home just yet. I think I'm doing better here. Or I know I'm doing better here. There's nothing to do here, but there's nothing to do at home, either. It's time to explore myself and my possibilities now. The job search is also coming up pretty quickly. I'm always wired about the future. I have to remember the roses.
So now, I get to write a graduation speech. Hopefully it makes it to the final round. I want to be the student who surprises everyone in the end. But who knows? I will leave it to chance. Maybe I will submit a draft...or maybe, I won't.
Sigh. Dopamine correction day two sucks.