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2019-03-06 11:41:23 (UTC)

Tby ramblings.. day 3


I don't konw whether expressing it is helpful yet but this is day three post tb and i'm feeling less awful. but again i know it's temporary most likely. That all too familiar feeling of despair will soon come. Right now, I'm probs just psyched off the feeling of coffee. I think it's too soon to say that I'm getting usted to the idea thta I won't see him again. Because we both know that that's not the truth, to begin with. First of all Lagos is too small and our paths will cross sooner or later even if it were not my intention.

I'm looking forward to football today - and i think that exercise helps my mood. I'm trying to be more aware of the things that lead to me feeling 'better' or taking my mind off.
- I think talking to friends helps. Human contact, connection. i went to get my coffee this morning and i saw yvne having her study session with her study group. it was such a nice feeling to see someone who felt like home and to know that she was just as happy and relieved to see me too.
- Giving council to hbeb the other day also helped my mood, i noticed. I thrive off giving council to people. I suppose it makes me feel needed, and useful.
- Finding beauty in natural, unadulterated, simple things. Like water. Or rain. Or the sound of laughter.
- Creativity and planning my goals - and how I will execute on them makes me feel amazing instantly. Gives me a feeling of hope and excitement, i get excited about life.
- Planning my mental improvement especially as far as books to read etc.

Know thyself. this is important. know myself like a book.
I keep relapsing, doing little things that make me relapse. for instance now i've just googled 'love is enough meaning' on google. that's the tattoo that he has across his shoulder blade, collar bone.

Funnily enough i have just looked it up and it led me to a website called pre-raphaelite sisterhood. It's about love and the different concepts of love as written by poets and authors of that period. http://preraphaelitesisterhood.com/solitude-forgiveness/

Something I haven't addressed explicitly is the fact that a lot of the guys who i found it hard to get over, whose dwindling affection left me devastated and in a downward spiral for months, had something in common. Money. Means and money and connections and the mobility. These guys were making 70-100k plus a year when i met them and im sure more now. However

Someone jjst walked past my desk at work just now, a lady , smelling like flower and sweets - her perfume. and i just thought to myself, i should get a scent. somethign that when i walk by they'll smell. Then I thought about tby's scent - cartier declaration and thought to myself, the nect time i go to a beauty store i'll remember to spray some just so at the very least I can get his scent one more time.

I've also been fantasising about the idea of him and I going travelling together - i imagine us in thailand, koh yao noi, that cabin i was staying in it rustic simplicity of it, how that would blend so well with our combined energies and make the perfect setting and environmnet for a reignition of some kind of romance. Obviously such thoughts are counterproductive i know, i shouldn;t be having them and if i do i certainlly should not indulge in them as i've just been doing for th past 30 mins. I also feel a sense of resoluteness - and i don't know where it's from. It could be that the feeling of having starting to develop a plan for my 'recovery' this involves self discovery - learning about myself and falling in love with myself, and feeling that creative fire reignite - rememebring ideas I'd long put aside in order to chase short term pleasures...all of that feels good. Then again a small part of me also worries that this resolute feeling could just be rooted in a secretly held belief that tby and i will eventually be togteher. that our circumstances will eventually align. me with my creative endeavours flourishing, and our paths will cross again and he'll see me in a light that'll make it impossible for him to let me go again. that our story is too good to not manifest.

I'm crazy, i know. but so is he.

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