LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2019-03-06 00:54:04 (UTC)

that guy dan


March 5, 2019 Tuesday 11:54 PM

The worst part about getting better is realizing you don't get to cut yourself as much slack anymore lol. That's not true. Well, maybe it's true that that is the worst part. But it is not bad.

--

Remember that guy Dan? I had a crush on him/ hated him (simultaneously) for a bit last year (because he reminded me of myself??? but like, better???) and I went to lunch with him once and it just frustrated me. And now I'm in a class with him again and I've mostly avoided looking at him. I see him around campus all the time, just walking with his headphones in and hands pocketed in a black pea coat. I never wanted to be a creep so I avoided him.

Today he was in a group with me in class and we actually got along quite well. We got the same references and thought along the same lines. The same dark sense of humor. I could tell he was a bit—used to talking, and maybe not that good at group work? Not in the way that extroverts talk, but like, that ranty way people get when they think a lot so they have a lot of thoughts on hand about everything and speech is more comfortable than silence. Idk. Not entirely accurate. I am somewhat similar but quieter. I hope we didn't talk over the two other people in the group. Our teacher was like, "I don't think you two should be in groups anymore," and as an addendum, when he asked what that meant, she said, "In a good way."

And I have no idea what that means but it made me feel changed inside. I talked a fraction less and couldn't stop considering that 'cause I'm neurotic as hell. I saw him briefly after class, headphones already in, already alone, but he was back to how he normally is: which is, closed off and very quiet. And I said hello and then we didn't talk and I shrugged and told myself I was fine with it even though I really! really! want to be friends with him! It'll probably be disappointing. I can already see the ways in which his charms would become difficult—like, his habit of getting so into his own ideas when he speaks that he almost forgets he's talking to other people. And so sure of himself (in some ways). Those indicate some things that could be really annoying in a friendship haha. I don't doubt his capacity to listen, but I am a little more hesitant to comment on his empathy.

Anyway, even if it was brief and I won't talk to this guy ever again and there's no guarantee he'll even say hi to me when we pass each other in the street—it was a good time.

As far as the rest of me goes: I am on my period, I am mildly ill, and I seem to be developing a migraine. Despite this, I am in a pretty good mood considering last week. This morning my Russian teacher caught me alone and brought up my absences last week (I missed 2 classes, and those were the first classes I'd missed the whole semester—which has only been a month, but I'm still proud of myself bc I feel like by this time I've already skipped a lot more). He asked me if everything was okay.

I said, "Last week was a rough week," and I swear I almost cried and he made a mild conversation-appropriate joke that went something like, "Tell me about it, that's the last three weeks of my life," and then he asked, "Is there anything we can do?" and idk who "we" is but I said, "Uh, no! I think I'm on the up. But thanks!"

And I rushed out because I was embarrassed and on the verge of tears. It was enough when last week I had to ask the unit manager if I could take a shift off to go to therapy (ugh that made me cry—I hate telling people things, not because I'm afraid of their reaction but because I feel like I don't deserve the kindness and accomodation I get afterwards).

Anyway that was my day. Also I accidentally got stabbed with an X-acto knife and I bled all over myself and I felt a perverse satisfaction at
1) hurting.
2) seeing my blood.
3) solving the problem of both of those things.

I was sad when it was over.



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