All that is
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2019-03-05 22:07:59 (UTC)

late night ramblings

Just had a mad thought. that in this journey of mine to improve myself, as part of the creative development part, i sh..

is it cos he's a scroio? do i believe i that star sign mumbo jumbo so bad that

i humoured him, he allowed me to humour him. or rather to feel like i was doing so. all along he was humouring me it would turn out.

I literally thought. If i completed this niaja icons photo book, and published it so that it made a splash, and even at the very least became insta famous, he would see it and that would be the best way to let him know that I AM the motherfuckig shit. As much as I want to prove that to him I also want him to see me in that high value light again. I want w to send a message about it one day cos he's gonna co write it with me, obvs, and when he sends a little braod cast that also has my name on it, tb will read the IG link about the book release or sighning or party and see the book. He'll see it published and think of me and be filled wtih regret, longing, doubt, desire, envy and begrudging admiration. I need to make that happen. for this i'll meed:

- A studio - my studio, rented studio?

stay in your lane, slay in your lane.

i can have the highest form of recognition in my own field.

When did i start doubting my own abilities. fear, self doubt of own strengths, i was the most talented art student, now i feel shook by seeing tohers who probs couldn't match up to me then. its obs about practice as well.

fear and self doubt. are my two greatest demons.

it's too good not not to happen. too good theres no way it's not meant to happen. w and i are besties, and he and w are too. what are the odds we'd have the same kind of close rlation ship with one person. we also don't have amny clos friends. hes awkward too.... i was really going to contiue, but i actually think (know) in writing this i'm doig myself bad. so goiog to stop.

I'm a fucking goddess machine hybrid.

Goddess Machine.

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