the secrets of an average teen
2019-03-05 23:04:57 (UTC)

very long rant about everything

My life so far has been a big rollercoaster. I feel I put my feelings aside and basically just decided not to give a fuck about anything. My days haven’t been so great, but at the same time they have. I had a week of happiness and it was only because it was my birthday. Ever since my ex girlfriend told my parents about me smoking, my life completely changed. I lost everything, my car, my phone, etc... I was so affected by my break up at that time that I went on a rampage and literally shut off my feelings. I went apeshit. I never stopped smoking, I stopped having the motivation to go to school, I felt like killing myself everyday for a good month. I cut myself, punched walls, doors, but never let myself actually get the help I needed to get through this tough time. I told myself I didn’t want to make it past 19 years old, so when it hit midnight I cried of happiness because after everything I’ve been struggling with, I still pushed myself and made it. That night was wild (which will be in another entry) and it just made me realize how fun life could be. I got very drunk and high and realized that I should live life. I was already living life, but now I’m stuck in this shit hole and really wanting to kill myself.

I thought about driving to the hospital today and just turning myself in and wanting to be on suicide watch, but something is stopping me for some reason. I just need a get away from everything. A fresh start. Maybe move. I don’t want to be stuck here forever.
I need help before something happens to me...

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