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2019-03-05 09:01:51 (UTC)

Post tb Day 2

Another day. I woke up and felt knackered. Physically but also probs emotionally too.

Every now and again I'll get a window of like 1 hour or so where I'll feel free from the pain and the fear and the hurt and disappointment and fear
Some signs that I'm still working thru it.
- there's rock music playing in the office and it's making me think of him. and how he'd probs love this track.
- Just a second ago I was tempted to go on Whatsapp and look at his profile just to 'see' whether he was online.
- I thought of playing my immortal and then i remember that he had a thing for them when he was my age. And so did i, obvs. we're literally the same person, i swear. I don't know why he can't see that. I can't imagine meeting another person who is more perfect for me, and the thought that it'll go away feels terrible to me.
- pearl harbour
- Fuck i feel that panic setting in again. I'm having thoughts, Fantasising about the idea of me working at his office, starting afresh, we're just meeting and there's obvs something in the air but we're both not doing anything about it. Then I think of the times we were in bed and it felt normal.
- august alsina has just come on 'kissin on my tattoos' and deep sense of sadness washes over me, and my stomach sinks when I think that i'll never have that again. and his tattoos were so beautiful. And now i feel a strong wave of emotion is washing over me, and i feel like crying. Then the thought that he carries or could carry this sentiment for another girl, kills me inside. Fuck today feels harder. maybe it's cos i haven't cried yet. i tend to feel a lot better after i've cried. almost like i've allowed myself to feel the emotion and the pain and because of that, it can pass through be and begin to leave me.

These fucking heartbreak songs they keep playing in the office aren't helping either. Boyz to men, alicia keys my boo, mariah carey...ffs.
I'm worried that I won't get over him - not because it can't be done or I don't have the will to do so, but because I don't have the desire to get over him. I don't want to get over him - Im not yet ready to do away with thoughts of him i have in my head or to forget how he made me feel or to forget how perfect I imagined a life with him would be, or how perfect our compatibility was, even just on paper.

I caved. Just found out its going to be a public holiday on friday. Immediately my mind went to tby and the idea that maybe we could do soemting. can you imagine. so i went online to his wahtsapp profile and lo and behold he was online. I just stared at it for a few seconds, not really wanting to do anything, i thought of typing, to make it look like i was going to send something, cos i imagined he was probs looking at my profile too (again, fat chance..).

If he does message, how should i respond though? If he says hey, what should i say? Should i respond back or ignore? Should i say
'hey, how are you?' back. If he asks 'let's meet at mine' or something along those lines, I've told myself that what i need to do is be respectful/cold/but give him something (as fwank said yesterday). I'll respond with

'I don't think that's a good idea'

Fuck this is going to be so hard. This week is going to be so difficult. yesterday night i thought it wasn't so bad. but i see now, that it's not going to be a walk in the park.

Gonna go and take a walk. I'm fucked. royally.

Now I'm listening to body smile dvsn. that's not what i should be listening to ffs. I'm so screwed.