Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2019-03-05 05:02:39 (UTC)

manipulation

tonight was a second date with the boy. I like him, but I keep feeling like I barely know him. I don't know if I'm just putting layers of distance between me and him because I'm terrified of relationshipping, but also, I barely know him; just plainly.

Which sort of contrasts with the fact that we had sex tonight. twice. Welp.
It wasn't exactly the plan, but also..? was it?

I know it's a thing insecure people do. women, traditonally. and we talked about the sort of uncomfortableness of it together after the first time. But then it happened again and I don't know I think I was just awkward. I ran out of things to say. or
nah it's not that/

My mind just kept feeling like physical touch is an expression of personal connection, and while we had some, I didn't give time for it to grow strong enough so that I could properly be true by my touching wholly. It was more lust, which is selfish and just horny.
And then that leaves the question, for the moments between touching lustfully and touching out of admiration, what's left but subconscious manipulation of facts? Of the others' feelings?

I think we were both sort of embarrassed by our behavior, because he admitted he was surprised with the sex thing too, and was sort of lost in thought for awhile. Is it bad that I find that reassuring?

And I think now I need space and time to go back to him comfortably. There is definitely going to be some embarrassment following me around the next couple of days subtley, but also, there's a certain amount of trust that still needs to be tended to.

I'm really glad he's the type to see some problem through to it's end because I'll brush over things easily, and I find that worrying that I do.
I find a lot of parts of my personality worrying. But I'm tending to them consciously as much as I can. I have good intentions to practice going forward with life, because I've learned having bitter withdrawal from the world is crazy, unproductive and countering the healing I would like to see.

And I want to spend less time letting my insecurities take up space and more time tending to his really. Because I'm starting to see that he doesn't think he's attractive because of his weight possibly, or possibly he has low self esteem. It's stable, but not as high as it could be. I want to see to it that he sees who he is as the good in himself. I want to let him know that the parts of him he thinks are the parts I see most are just parts of him, not the full thing, and that they aren't him.

I've worried, though, for the past couple of days, that I'm not a happy person, and that it's inevitable that I cannot do that for him.

But I'm thinking now that it's more in the times where I pretend to be happy that I'm likely to manipulate others to believe I am, and that if I let myself feel things then I'll see that happiness is fleeting and sits beside the constant level of . It's funny, the way emotions work- to me. So I can give that happiness when I find it in myself too.

I wonder if he's disappointed in the level of communicating emotions I convey. I'm not very good at articulating them, formulating thoughts or recognizing them, really.
I wonder if he see them and wants them better, for me.
I wonder how much we can build each other in time, and how stable this relationship can really be.

and I wonder how much better I can get at listening and where to put my thoughts on myself in order to do so.




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