Scream Above the Sounds
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2019-03-04 18:58:02 (UTC)

Trying So Hard To Be Happy

It's a constant battle. The past week being off college has been nice but it hasn't been easy. I've still been feeling lonely, even when I had people here last Monday night, I still felt so alone. It's a feeling that you can't really describe, yet it's something we've all felt. You could be surrounded by hundreds of people and still feel small, alone and afraid. It's a feeling that I can't ever shake or something that never truly leaves. It's becoming increasingly harder to stay distracted but still, we keep going eh?

The thought of doing well in college is keeping me going, whilst I don't have a great relationship with my parents, I know they are really proud of me for doing this. I really hope that I can make it to uni and finally take stock of my life and just achieve something. It makes me sick sometimes that I'm 28 years old and I haven't really accomplished anything, it genuinely makes me feel so pathetic and worthless. I think I've come a long way in the past year or so. I've pushed myself, I've challenged myself, I'm keeping fit, hell, I'm climbing mountains. I wouldn't even attempt that shit usually. I'm very keen on self improvement and I don't want to be a waste of space anymore. I'm sick and tired of being an embarrassment and I just want more out of life. I NEED more out of life, otherwise I should have thrown in the towel last year and just killed myself. I thought about it enough.

This entry got pretty deep, pretty quickly, I didn't really mean for that. I guess I never really know what I'm going to say until my fingers touch the keyboard. I just feel very upset, tired and worn out. I know a lot of this is my fault and I completely own that. I put myself in this position and made some awful decisions, the only thing I can do is dust myself off and keep going. I can't keep torturing myself or wracking myself with this pain and misery. Whether it's guilt, shame, remorse, whatever it is. I just wish I could let go and be done with it all. I just wish I was stronger than this.

I was back in the gym today. I'm usually doing bodyweight workouts at home now but my friend is back from working abroad so we were in his gym today. I'm still logging everything I do, targets, improvements etc. Today was :-

Dumbbell Benchpress - 3 sets of 12 (10kg)

12, 12 and 10 hammercurl (10kg)

2 sets of 17.5kg lawnmower

12, 9 and 6 10kg shoulderpress

1 minute plank

It hurt to be back in there, a good kind of hurt, of course. I'm back in college tomorrow so I think we'll likely next be in the gym on Wednesday. I've noticed some massive improvements, I'm looking so much better. I just wish my face wasn't so fat and then I would probably be somewhat happy with my appearance. Hopefully I'll get there. I don't think I'm attractive at the best of times but I would at least like to look a little bit better.

I'm going back over to my friends tonight, we're going to have a few drinks and play some Smash/Mario Kart. I can't stay in, my frame of mind is just really dark tonight. It would be a bad idea to stay alone. Drinking is probably a bad idea too but I guess a lot of us take solace in that. It won't be anything too wild, I have a long day in college tomorrow and missing my first day back would probably be a really bad idea. Plus I'm kinda scared of what my Social Science lecturer is going to say, in regards to my PowerPoint/Poster that I did for her. It was pretty half arsed, I wouldn't be surprised if she crucifies me. We'll soon see.