All that is
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2019-03-04 06:52:58 (UTC)


I think as long as I keep writing about it I’ll have a chance. I don’t want to say I’ll be fine. Cos right now nothing feels like it’s going g to be fine.

I’ve some how gone from being this high value woman in his eyes, to being this girl who doesn’t even deserve a text back to an actual question pertaining to pre-arranged plans. Technically I was stood up - sure it was my house he was coming to, and we were gonna fuck but still.

W came round yesterday and we chilled. And while he was there I had moments of “ok”. And also had a genuine moment of clarity and excitement rooted in something other than this prick I’m obsessing over - however as soon as he left,

I’m having a coughing fit now. This seems to always happen. During a time when I’m nursing a broken heart, after the realisation that it’s not what I imagined, and the realisation that I must let go - in the morning I’ll seem to have a coughing fit. Like I did with cm and with josh and even Chba.
It’s like a physical reaction to heartbreak. I’d like to think it’s part of the first stage of the realisation and acceptance that I must let go.

I sobbed my eyes out on saturday morning before practice, feeling hurt and depressed and awful about myself and how he was treating me. How my whole existence has morphed into winning his validation, and The thought that he just didn’t care that I was insignificant to him and that he had zero desire for me. It’s painful. Really painful. I Still Made it to practice though, and it was a good session. I think exercise helps lift my mood.

Speaking of chba he called me yesterday evening. William was round so I didn’t answer at first. But it was ringing for quite some time so I went to answer it and as I did, it cut off. Then I called him back around 10 and it rang but no answer. I wonder what he was calling to say. This morning I shamefully thought to myself, I should try him again, he might have something to say relating to tby.

Speaking of tby, why was I so mad about him?
- I was excited to meet someone who mirrored my thoughts and my attitude towards certain things in life. In Lagos I don’t meet many It felt good to feel understood. So when he was being inconsistent and erratic, I became carried away (obsessed) with trying to figure out why he was behaving in this way, and especially towards me completely forgetting the fact that I can’t be responsible for how other people behave. I found myself forgetting/compromising certain things that are important to me and had to take a step back