2019-03-04 02:04:54 (UTC)


I haven't had time to decompress and get my life in order.
I've been battling addiction to masturbation and weed.
I can't concentrate. I can't focus. I'm still in love with Hassan.
I was doing so well. I'm not sure what happened. I stumbled.
One day I woke up and I decided that I wanted nothing to do with it.
I went 65 days clean of not masturbating. Those were generally brighter days.
Now I'm having dopamine rushes every hour of every day. My brain craves it.
I'm gonna wear it thin of its supply and enter some serious depression if I don't stop soon.
I have to at least try to limit myself. I know this is the truth.

I missed having the responsibility of taking care of something. Then the Tamagotchi app came out and that has been pretty much my life the past few days. I was given a bit of money to spend on my birthday. It feels weird saying that I'm 22 now. Yet I still feel unhinged and like one of those completely useless unemployed mooches. I've established a number of positive things to do after this, but writing more has to be included too, as I haven't had time to express my thoughts and just having a listening ear. Maybe that's what feels reduced in my life with Goober no longer being there.

I am not worried. I can listen to myself. And I can love myself. It's not that "I'm not here to make friends," but I'm definitely not going out of my way to impress people anymore. I am studying, I am fighting, and I am trying to be better. The problem is that maybe I'm not trying hard enough and that I'm not confident in reaching my goals. When I was younger, I used to get up the moment the alarm went off. Now I oversleep if I've slept through the first six times I hit snooze. But I know I can still do's just harder. Why? Well, college came, and I left my family, and I got kicked out, and I didn't really have a good circumstances the past few years have made my life difficult, and I've wasted a ton of money on weed too. If I'm not happy with a change, I have to fix it. But fixing it will require sacrifice, and I'm not sure if I'm ready to make that sacrifice yet, when I'm not comfortable enough to.

One more glaring issue is where I'm going to end up. I've reached out to Memorial and they said they would call back when they have a position open. But it's been a few months now and I haven't heard a thing. I told myself I would be better in the beginning of March and I relapsed again. I can't past a 3 day streak. And the more I fail, the more I hate myself and I'm discouraged to try. I'm going to think logically and form a plan about how to attack this. Maybe if I officiate the problem and take it legitimately, like for example smoking too much weed, maybe I can get myself to stop. I'm tired of sitting in front of my computer whacking off. I'm tired of being empty and sad and undedicated. I know that I can do more if I apply myself, and I know I will enjoy activities more if I just get myself to stop.

I'm going to reduce one thing at a time. Maybe I can gamify it like I did with Brainbuddy, as that was a successful method that kept me on track. There has to be something to remind me each day that I can't give up. Something to keep my record. If I keep a log, maybe I can find some fun things to do with it. I can continually motivate myself and restore my dopamine levels back to normal. I need to follow a strict diet of exercise and sleep again. Weed should not be smoked on school days. You gotta start eating right and going back to the gym. You have to be happy with what you do and who you are. You have to rise above.

Think about this: you edited a picture that the class really needed. You got to do it for free, and if that hadn't happened, you definitely would not be writing in this journal. For the first time, you felt something, and you reacted to it, and you wanted to keep that with you. Your inspiration comes from successfully helping others and the fire that fuels you is getting things done. It's no wonder you procrastinate so much, because when you do finally get it finished, it only feels like you're king of the world. You took a personality test high and you got the same result. This is you, Elijah. You should get to know who you are, to figure out what you need, and love the people you're meant to be with. Hassan was thinking about you too. Obviously, he sent a picture of my ass in camouflage pants, but that wasn't going to stop him.

It's 1:20am and I feel so full of energy. The past few days have been extra shitty, with a failed pediatrics exam, an overwhelming amount of reading, and assignments and presentations to prepare for. The only thing is - I haven't prepared for any of it. It's March 4th and the February calendar is still on my wall. I don't realize how much time procrastination is taking from me, and I've become so complacent to it. However, writing and journaling these feelings out gives me a chance to reflect and realize things like this. Now I genuinely know that I have to reduce my screen time. For some reason, it always seem to circle back to that problem. It robbed me of my family life and I can't let it rob me of my future life too.

I will be effective, smart, and take no shit. I will work hard, party hard, and be a knowledgeable individual. My dreams are so much closer than ever before, with graduation being months away. I've ordered my cap and gown already. Isn't that insane? I'm 60 something days away from graduating with a Bachelor's of Science in Nursing. What a journey it's been.

Well, it's time to resurrect yourself. Get to it already.