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I'm trapped in a reality considered to some to be so mundane and inadequate that I too feel so.
I have a family of mental illness, my mother and my father are so very bad for each other, my mother is so attention desperate that she takes everything from my father, but my father feels validated for it. My mum is manic depressant, and I'm not going to be politically correct, this is my diary, not yours.
They had two children, one girl and one boy.
The girl, first born, is always has been, and always will be, the biggest attention sucking slut on the face of this earth when it comes to my two parents, every qualm, every upset, every issue is a tragedy, and my parents pour their heart and soul into making her better and fixing her up. Yet, no matter how much they tried, she resents them, she's GENERAL anxiety, she can't manage and she's upset all the time. But she's learnt that if she's upset, her parents, and her brother, will come to make her feel better. TRUST ME WHEN i SAY THIS: SHE always HAS A PROBLEM, SHE'S always BEEN anxious, she had a sign on the cieling as a kid that said: "stop worrying,"
Then... there's their other child, the child that has had a disorganized attachment with his parents, the child who has learnt to live in the shadow of his sisters problems, the one who kept quiet, because, actualy, my sisters problems are much more important because they always were, and mine are just no comparison, they even said that once.
Now, okay, I wasn't prioritized as a child, but don't get me wrong, there were times that only I was upset and mum and dad would comofrt me, but it was the detatchment that happened very early on that began the trainwreck... At the age of 3 I discvered Age of Empires, I would play it every morning before and evening afgter school, I became addicted, and truthfully, twenty years later, I still am...
It was this addiction that facilitated my abiity to cope with having two parents who weren't THERE for me in the way that I despereately needed them to be, if anything, with my mum and my sister in the picture, my dad was one-manning much of the parenting, especially when I was a problem child, and according to my parents, I was a difficult child (to everyone I was a difficult person, and the last time I was told I was hard to manage was about a year ago)
So; why am I confessing this to a forum and not to one of my buddies, or better yet; a psychologist?
Well TL;DR I have no friends, and the psycholgist is once a week, she just ripped the band aid off and I'm bleeding out.
"So, what's the big fuckin deal? Why not just join a club, I know it's hard making a friend as an adult, but surely you have friends from high school or work?" I hear you say, probably.
Well, the big deal is; I'm a wierd kid, with a very dry, very British sense of humour, you know where British humour doesn't typically work? Anywhere other than Britain, do you know where I live?
Not any more at least, I emigrated to another English speaking country ten years ago, and nothing has ever ebeen the same since, when I lived in the U.K. things weren rocky, but linear, I had good company, good structure, and I always had that one friend who I called my best that offset a lot of hurt I felt from the distance I had to my parents, the "home slice" as my sister calls it. I was developing connections and discovering my identity, a tender age of my mid-adolescence.
and then, well, my mother says "guess what?"
"Our visa's been granted"
Now I'm not putting my response because I can't even remember what it was, but it was probabl a confused "oh."
What I couldn't have fathomed was the monumental disaster that this created. See, we spent a few holidays in this beautiful country, we have extended family here, I guess that was good enough reason for us to emigrate, that and the sun always shone.
We moved and that was it.
When you're the weird kid in school but some of the kids found you funny, it blocked out all those other kids that hurt you, if anything, it makes you stronger together, I even stood up the them a few times myself.
When you're the weird kid in school and nobody even finds you funny, well, it's just really sad, and I was that kid....
Now I'll spare you the sob story, but imagine transferring from a place where you're personality doesn't change, but nobody not only doensn't find you funny, but doesn't even give you the time of day to LIKE you, well that should've been me, but I did make shallow connections with multiple people at school, but truthfully, it didn't feel right, jokes weren't landing, languages were mixing, but not bonding and I very quickly started the think there was something really really wrong with me. I've come to realize that I've spent ten years into trying to recreate that connection that I felt with Brits in Britain.
Both me and my sister were hit with this knowledge that something was fundamentally wrong, but the way we processed it, interpreted it and dealt with it was completely different.
TL;DR I hid in my room, played computer games, dreaded recess and (positively) lost weight by actually spending time ith dad, little did I know he was only working part time, you'll see a theme with dad, in that I'm not exactly seen as high on his "to-care" list
I've been told I've had a lot of pain in my youth, further to that, I've been discarded for my feelings ebcause the behemoths in my household have the "real" problems, thus, actual disclosure and discussion of my problems I try so hard not to, because I feel they aren't justfierd, regardless of whether or not i feel them, people minimalize and try to help with advice, which is nice and all, but I've spent so much time in my own head that all advice at this point is cliche and genuinely naseous "you're not alone" is probably my favourite because in case you ahvent noticed I FUCKING AM, writing in an online diary because I have no outlet.
I resented everything about that move, I still do, I'm still trying to recuperate what I've lost, but I don't think I ever will.
I'll bring it back when I can,
If you read this, just acknowledge it, but I'll be damned if you give me a quote from a self-help book.
Most recent one I've heard "you can't change your situation, but you can change how you feel"