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2019-03-03 21:41:13 (UTC)

You were inconsistent, at ..

You were inconsistent, at least in my own interpretation
for like 5 weeks straight, I became carried away with trying to figure out why you were behaving like this
that i found myself losing sight of certain things that are important to me.
So i had to pause, step back and have a firm word with myself.

the cycle of feelings i keep experiencing is insane. i have a pang of anger at the fact that he'd treat me this way. then self pity at the fact that i'm on the receiving end of such treatment. followed by self loathing after i recall a memory where i acted in a way that was super obvious, zero game, slow.and then perhaps the most difficult of them all to deal with, sudden stabs of jealousy at scenarios in your head both real and imagined, where he desired another woman, either around th time we first met and thereafter. then i think of something that suggests a very real possibility that this might just be a test i'm supposed to pass in order to be with him, i feel a brief and mild sense of elation. and i dont even know what.

Then trying to rationalise his behaviour - maybe he wants to break me down first so that im totally his. cos he's so afraid of being vulnerable that he needs me to first of all surreder. this is how he is ensuring it. Or i'll say i caused all this myself. I was too this too that, too stooshe, I missed his call that time, i gave a curt response to his text on v day.

He's the devil, I'm convinced. I see moments of real tenderness and desire to bond, in between his overall disposition of underwhelm and existential boredom, that it makes me think 'oh my word, if this whole thing is an act to just to derail me, then he must be the devil. because how could anyone.

then i get

He must be the devil.

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