a downward tilt
2.16.19 1:35 AM Sat.
A girl is nothing more than drunk in Mass, a house in a suburb, home of a friend of a friend; having just had a gin and tonic and beginning to remember why she does and does not like to get drunk.
Does not because it gets her lonely, and afterwards anxious for days or a week, depending on the amount of alcohol.
Does because it makes her happier and she doesn’t mind so much when people touch her. Doesn’t feel, like, ashamed and shit.
February 23, 2019 2:42 PM Saturday
A girl is sitting and scraping at the insides of her skull. In my dreams, my sister scolded me for the amount of hate I harbored, which was in my dream directed at my mom although I don't feel any sort of anger at her lately. If anything I miss her.
I want to talk to Liv so badly, but I don't feel good right now and I don't want her to ask me why. Now that I say that it doesn't seem like a good excuse so I am going to send her a short message anyway—not an invitation for conversation, but a reminder to both of us that I want her in my life. So I just sent her a message now and I had nothing to say so I said, "I miss home." Even though I don't know that that's true
I'm kind of horrified.
Two days ago I sent an e-mail to Lancelot that read like this:
I think I am psyching myself out (again) but I don't really have a third party that can tell me whether this is the case. It feels like I'm having a different crisis every day that I forget by the next morning and so repeats the cycle, but I can't tell if this is actually happening or if I've made it up (by nature of being paranoid). Does that make sense? I'd like to come in at some point, hopefully. I am sure by the morning I will have forgotten why I wrote this and then tomorrow night I'll remember and so on, haha. Unless I just forget altogether. I really have no idea.
Then he said:
Well, I hope you don't forget but maybe I do. Either way we should probably speak about it.
And we set up a time to meet. He offered to do it through skype, but I said, "No thank you! I do not like Skype. We can do another time if this one is difficult for you."
He said, "NO, NO, NO! I was offering for you. [redacted time] works fine for me due to [redacted reason]."
I said, "Okay thank you! I am very nervous, it is nice to know there is an outlet somewhere."
He said, "Happy to be that. Have a good weekend, try not to think 🙄, and I’ll see you on Tuesday. " I liked that he used the emoji as a sort of "but of course you can't help yourself" sort of thing. Made me smile.
I am so anxious and terrified! I want to cry on a daily basis from sheer nerves. Something hard in my throat and stomach. I wish I could draw a diagram—shaped and shifting as an organic mass, but not a part of me. Deeply acidic. I never want to eat again. Every time I eat, I hate myself. I look different in the mirror and work harder than normal to get back to the same. This is gross, but I haven't brushed my teeth in two days: I'm too tired and I find it hard to care.
I have this incredible capacity for paranoia. Earlier in the week, I convinced myself that Maria was avoiding me, and then I convinced myself—when I saw her—that she was trying to protect Moby from seeing me (he was somewhere behind her and he did not say hello).
In orderr to justify that line of thought, I realized I must've been a really terrible person last year, to make him feel that level of discomfort. He's on the other side of the dining hall right now with Maria. As soon as I saw them sitting together I turned on my heel. I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable ever! At the same time, I am angry because I don't actually think I was that awful—and I wish I had the chance to say I'm sorry, and that it didn't matter anymore.
The likely thing is that none of this has anything to do with me. I just have residual anxiety concerning Moby and it is flaring up because I'm already vulnerable.
Speaking of "vulnerable," Maria has been especially sad this week and it has made me irrationally angry. Sometimes I want to tell her that none of this is deserved. She doesn't get to feel that way. But it's so selfish because I know I'm only thinking that way because something is wrong with me right now and I don't know how to fix it. I don't even know how it happened. It always feels so sudden but at the same time like it has been this way forever. I think it moves in increments. Tectonic plates shifting, that kind of thing. Impossible to see. Sometimes able to feel.
Also earlier this week Nadiya admitted to us that she may not be very straight and this also made me irrationally anxious and angry. I suddenly just felt very—nervous about myself, and about my relationships with people. It's not that I am worried she could be attracted to me (in fact I think we have one of the most platonic relationships I've ever had with anyone 'cause we're both so sexually inert and we're also too similar/different). I don't know what I'm worried about—I guess I always worry that I'm asexual, and realistically that would probably make my relationships easier than they are now, but I keep thinking it's just another reason for me to be worth less than another person. And also I was worried because sometimes I get this blurry feeling towards other girls, where I'm just so comfortable I wish I could date them—but I never want to kiss or have sex. But I wonder if I ever want to kiss or have sex with guys either. I don't know. Maybe a bit more, but the contrast is not obvious and that scares me.
So I went home feeling like I was going to throw up and that's when I wrote to Lancelot, because I felt something was happening but I did not know what. And on Tuesday night I cried in the bathroom while pooping (a good time) and I kept trying, even before that moment, to connect with my friends (namely Maria) but it was impossible. I don't know what I sought from those relationships, but whatever it was I didn't get it. I felt so empty.
Anyway. I don't understand why this happens to me (why I make it happen). I feel fine. I am doing okay in classes, they aren't hard. I am doing okay in life, it is also not hard. I'm not worried about where I'll be in two years, honestly. The far future doesn't scare me, I don't think it ever has. I know I'll be okay. I'll make money somehow, I'll do what I love somehow. That is inevitable.
It's the rest of it that doesn't make sense.