Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2019-02-19 19:42:49 (UTC)

long term- where's this going?

As I enter day 4 if waitressing, my social anxiety is slowly going down. It helps to keep in mind this is something I'm in for the long game, so giving up or nefariously undermining my own mental sanity doesn't help. I want to keep my mind in it's best functioning, consistently stable mood.

As I try to move forward with my life, I'm having to look back on the things that have challenged and frustrated me in the past with grace and a change of perspective. I keep hitting this wall of apathy when I see that when I reach hard struggles in my life, I'll have to resort to vulnerable exposing those struggles in order to receive guidance. That's been little bit of a trigger for my anxiety because in the past I was so upset with myself and felt so incapable of the things I was wading through, that I didn't want to open myself up any further than I was. I didn't want to let myself get crushed any further than the pressure I was putting myself under was taking me to.

And then I look at my relationship with my mother and how that's affected how I see me.

And then I look at my relationship with myself, separately, and where it's gone wrong.

And my relationship to society-more specifically- work, and how that needs improvement. So much improvement outside of me.
College is the right choice for me. But taking the right steps in college is equally important to me. I don't like putting work into something I can't really see myself doing. And I can't see myself doing much. Or, if I can, I can't see myself overcoming the obstacles in the way to do the work well and fulfillingly..

Some of this is just a mental block I put up against pushing through my own inadequacies. It's hard, though, because my self image isn't always helping the work and changes of perspective I need to face.

I look down on people who have jobs that only require an 80% interest to keep them going. I want to be somebody way into their work in a way that sustains their appetite for living. I think. Sometimes.
I feel like I could pick something to do with my life that would be sort of easy, like teaching kids, and I could be set. I feel like that but I would never because that's not me. I'm no easy to figure out sorority girl..

mostly, I haven't spent a lot of time living with and figuring out myself enough to do what makes me happy. I've been sabotaging the process since I realized there are some fatal flaws about me I have to change. That's silly because I'm only human; it was bound to be that there are some parts of me that need shaping- even drastic shaping. The fact my perspective couldn't embrace that forgivingly is more related to my naiveté than any actuality..

I look forward to the future but only for the possibility that I'll find the things that make me happy. But what if I have an idea, but they're so scary that I haven't even taken the first steps?

I haven't spent a lot of time looking into me at what makes me happy with myself, and I think I invest too much in these bigger things- distracting from the little moments that I don't feel I've deserved to make them right. but shifting perspective starts with the little moments and builds up. it'll snowball in time.




Ad: