My Memos To The Void
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2019-02-14 10:40:31 (UTC)

A letter ill never send

i dont want to play games anymore. I'm tired, im fucking exhausted. You said this wouldnt be a waste of time as long as I learned something and all ive learned is how much nobody else is ever gonna be anything like you, how immature everyone else seems, how gross it feels trying to force myself to move on and care about anyone else. all ive learned is that ive lost someone i really truely cared about, who i trusted and loved so much. i never felt like shit when we had sex before because you were my boyfriend and you loved me and i knew that but now you arent And hyou dont and im getting called a slut and a whore and slapped in the face and spit on and im starting to get hurt because now there is no balancing that out with i love yous and affection and after sex you roll over on your phone and ignore me and im so lost.
I dont want to live on like this, im tired and forcing myself to work two jobs and trying to go to the gym and trying to have a social life but damnit i dont see a fucking point i wish i never did any of this
im having such a low nigh, like last night was as well. actually, every night that youre not here is tyough. i dont think ive held a bottle of prescription pills for this long in a very long time
i have a whole bottle of vodka and a lot of dark thoughts
and i feel like i have nobody to call or talk to
but maybe one day youll go through my history and find this and i just want you to know
please PLEASE know
i was always a very broken person. I didnt see myself living even this long, im so sorry, its not you, i swear to God. And please
for the love of god
let my mom know it wasnt her fault either. I love her very much. She is the only reason i hesitate so much.
Find julie, and alex, and let them know i love them.
Tell mitchell im sorry, i hope he beats kh3 though.

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