Ohwellbear

Trish’s secrets
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2019-02-15 14:45:27 (UTC)

lebenslanger Schicksalsschatz

Ever since I could remember , my ultimate goal in life is to fall in love. I am now 21 and I still haven't fallen in love. Don't get me wrong , I've been in relationships. Thinking I was madly in love with another human being, only to realize that it wasn't really love. You see I never fully understand the concept of love. It was never taught in school, never discussed by my parents, and no one ever game me instructions on how to love and be loved. It's easy to confuse love with infatuation. I don't wanna be rude to all my exes ( God knows how many I exes I have) , but I think its safe to say that none of you were ever really "the one". Sure, I've cried over a hand full of guys but I can't say it was out of love. Maybe because I'm just scared of being alone. I still am. Let me tell you about my top 3 the one that got away. First, the psychologist. I was 18 and he was 19, taking up psychology. He was perfect. Tall , dark , and very intelligent. We talked on the phone for hours . One time it even lasted up to 10 hours. I liked talking to him . He was full of ideas. Our conversations weren't just the usual "talk about yourself" stuff. It was about galaxies , our dreams , theories , ideas on how to make the world a better place , and how it was such a nice thing to stumble upon each other. It was magical . Like that was the first time I actually thought to myself "thank you universe for letting me meet this amazing person". The next one was my bestfriend's cousin. He was my first real boyfriend. Like he was sent to me by some powerful force saying "here have this amazing young man as your first REAL boyfriend. He'll up your standards." He was great. That's all I can say. The last one and my top one is the musician. He plays the guitar and sings. He's what I'd say my dream guy. For my 21st birthday he made me a song. The firs time I heard it was in a phone call at 3 am , while I was having a breakdown. The second one was when I was at his place. I remember us sitting across from each other . Me smoking and him tuning his guitar. The moment he started singing was the moment I knew that I wanted to fall in love with this guy. I remember feeling so safe and relaxed while in his arms. But all of that is just a memory now. I know what you're thinking. Why did all of those relationship end ? It's cause of me. I ended all of it. I was too scared to fight for what I felt. How do I explain myself without you guys judging me. Let me quote this line from my favorite tv series , How I Met Your Mother. "The thing that is almost the thing that you want, but is not quite." They also said something about "Lifelong Treasure of destiny". They explained that that treasure does not develop over time. Its just what it is from the start and that stuck to me. I wanna experience that. People who get hurt in love treat love like its a bad thing and its not true. Its pain, cheating , getting rejected , break ups, and getting left behind that hurts. But not love. Never is and never will be. However, the more people I stumble upon , the more I lose hope of that love. I know I'm still young, and I know that its too early to lose hope. But when you've seen too much sadness in the world, it breaks you. So before I reach my breaking point, I wanna leave a message to the people I'll meet in the future. I may have forgotten what love looks like , so maybe you could paint me its face. Show me that its never too late. Till then, I'll be here in my gray world holding on to my last drop of faith in love and in destiny.


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