Scream Above the Sounds
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2019-02-14 14:53:36 (UTC)

Valentine's Day, alone

It doesn't bother me to be honest. I never really was much of a valentines day person, you'd get the chocolates, flowers and whatever and that would be it. I mean it's obviously nice and it's great to be showered or shower gifts to your loved one but I dunno, I never really bought into it that much. Girls don't want flowers because they've told you to buy them or because you should buy them for an occasion, they want you to buy them for her because you WANT to buy them for her. I mean I always feel alone but at the same time, I'm not good with women. I can talk to women, I can pull women, not to blow my own horn but, that part is easy. I just think I'm emotionally unavailable. I don't feel like I was ever really taught how to love and life growing up was just a bit crazy. My parents didn't have the best relationship and I didn't grow up in a household that was full of love. I know it's not an excuse but I just think if my childhood had been a little better and I received more love then maybe I would be better now. I loved my ex girlfriend but make no mistake about it, I was a selfish little shit. I understand that and see that now and I would never act that way with anybody again. The reason I say I won't ever act like that again is because I won't have another relationship. I say I've changed and that I'm better and it's true, I am...but I live in fear that I could end up falling back into my old ways and I can't afford to do that. A quote from the 40 year old virgin comes to mind about him loving and respecting women :-

"I respect women! I love women! I respect them so much I completely stay away from them!" I love that line, it's so true. I've hurt a fair amount of women, not that I'm casanova or anything but I've been a dick to people. I completely own that. It was never about 'growing up' or anything like that, it was more about my needs and what I wanted, like I said...I was selfish. I'll be the first to own my mistakes and say I fucked up. I don't really know where I'm going with this, I guess I'm just scared about any future relationships. I personally don't think I'll ever meet anybody that I care about enough to want to build something with them. It's not like when you're younger and you just want to be with the person because you enjoy their company. Things are serious now! You have to talk about plans and goals, kids, all sorts.

It's just a normal day for me today and I don't really have much planned for the evening besides working out and doing some of my sociology work. Maybe I should e-mail my sub teacher and ask her out, I'm kidding of course. Speaking of teachers though, my science teacher is quite attractive and also pretty geeky. She overheard me and a friend talking about Warcraft and Blizzard generally and actually got involved and started talking about the decline of WoW and how the game has become too easy and not rewarding enough. It made the day go a lot quicker, that's for sure!

I've gotten quite close with a few of my teachers, they are honestly like friends and I hope that I can keep in contact with a few of them when I eventually leave, Ollie for sure! We spoke yesterday after I finished his class and he told me how good my writing was and that I should really pursue something similar to what he did. I think we have a lot of respect for one another and I definitely want to make him proud. I'd like to talk to my current English teacher a bit more, I think if she stops teaching me then I may just 'YOLO' it and add her on social media. I'll be crossing my fingers and hoping that she comes in to teach us on Tuesday.

My best friends girlfriend has been messaging me today in regards to planning his birthday, he's turning 30. Their birthdays are a day apart though, so they do a joint birthday. She's been trying to get ideas for a birthday cake for him and is looking at a Nintendo themed one because he really likes Zelda and Mario. She's also looking for somewhere they can book for a night out in town, I don't really drink in town that much anymore so I'm quite out of the loop myself. I suggested this one place that I know does VIP and karaoke, which could be fun, I just imagine it's quite pricey. I'm not really super keen on town but my friend is encouraging me to come, she's told me that there is 'girls I can ogle at', which doesn't really sell it for me. I told her if I wanted to do that, I would just look at her, haha. I haven't seen her in a while, I do miss her. I'll probably go, I should try and be social.