ish

ish
2019-02-11 18:41:30 (UTC)

You walked across my naked ..

You walked across my naked soul,
And left footprints..." *monica timbal*

is the day befor valentines........and not usually celebrated so much by me in my house...but it brings to my heart thought of mine............last year at this time my passion...my heart all too consumed .......how i still love him..and will always.........saddend that i feel still it ended on a bad note...and would for everything take that back had i could..............................................................maybe some day ...maybe...is raw though and i know it must be on both ends .............nothing was ever ment in disrespct..i just think my nature is too hard headed..to americanized female....but is what i am..i grew up a girl to a strong southern woman and she made her girls tough...as i did mine...................we have always had to be....we have never had rescuers....i eventually did..but isnt my perfect mate for sure other than we are great friends.........maybe that is how you need do it to have a life partner to fill most your needs anyhow........i mean they use to engage children for later in life .....so they had to make it work............i dont know no easy answer...just know ..my hearts fire sitll only burns for one.............

my recongition.........i have not acted out like many might think in this time of my pain....has been to unpleasent to even think on any to touch me...................but slowly i am more socail.....more an more...leaning more towards women....just hinking that there is no other man that could replace where i had been so why bother..........Lady V has her own club now so have gotten real into that she has amazing music.......so just gonna enjoy the entertainment for a bit.........in time im sure things will heal over......just another deep wouldnt to let scar over .......heavy heart with that....damn.............seems ceil no longer desires my friendship..so we made that happen..frick..wtf.............is like she has this additude ..and when i ask her whats up she gets bent and just is being wierd....so i figure shes gos some unresolved issues with me that she isnt wanting to confront cuse she runs..just like i do when i feel trapped.....................so.....dont really know....jus tknow she was totally a rude bitch..and i dont need it....i didnt need her creapy ass bf coming on to me making a rift between us at a time when i was feeling volnerable and raw still feeling attetched to Axel...wtf ..she is blaming me cuse he is an ass..and i told her..wtf....and wont talk on it..sooooo damn.....seems im lossing frined right and left...................anyhow..told her what i thought fuck it....birch...dont need it...she will need appoligize to me big ....but atm could care less........she is asking for heartache with the dickface.....anyhow..........walked away...dont need it.......tooo raw from imporatant things..................

have been riding bike for 2 hours a day watching good movies...get lost in it......just getting alot done around the house.......have started doing pictures again....running into LAdy V kinda got me in the mood to.....so got some great shots...but then .....damn it i didnt get hit bluntly in the jaw as i was editing and i saw one of my pics not paying attintion i guess ...but the A BRand...stuck out like a spotlight...and my heart ached...still waering his A.......i dont want to take it off.........not ready to let go i guess....still the house with the pics of us stand..as if in memorial of what we wanted us to be......makes me want to cry ...and i have done alot of that from my heartache...........................................................frick how long till it fades to where it isnt painful???

thinking on him again hoping he is well and business doing very well.........hope your health is good and your laughter pure and true.............and that your heart is not as mine....hope your heart is joyous and full..............

watched the best movie...(( woman walks ahead))) is about sitting bull and the artist /lover that paitied his famous pictiure...is heart wrenchinly sad....i cried ....sitting bull said som many things that was thought provoking .....he was very vengefull in ways though................i guess ill never really understand that vengence thing.................im not that angry i guess..............never hold a grunnndge for long cuse it will eat your sould.........

anyhoow.............just gonna try and laugh alot htis year best i can...keep things light and easy...........just cant see having another relationshiop that could come close to me and axel.....not that it was the best but the intensity.....i wish it could have worked better..but i am who i am.......i wish i could be what he needed........always will i guess.....hmmm...moved kitty and jacky on the land they have a house up in the clouds.....why not. not like im needing it all to myslef............blows a kiss to south africa in hopes that he has just a glimmer of thought on me......even if only a brief moment of sweetness......




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