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2019-02-14 00:24:06 (UTC)

Embarassing Memories


Looks like it's going to be another sleepless night for me, My sleep schedule is constantly so fucked. I guess i forgot to mention I'm narcoleptic so I am literally always sleepy and yet randomly I have nights where I just seem to be unable to sleep. I want to lay down and close my eyes and just knock out. I want to dream and forgot the world for awhile, I also want to feel like a well adjusted and well rested adult when i go to my dentist appointment at 8am but it looks like the ship has long since sailed. I thought maybe writing a bit in my dairy would allow me the chance to not (really) stimulate my mind and instead calm me, I can't quite pinpoint what exactly is keeping me awake this time but I know it's something buried deep in my subconcious that my mind doesn't want me to forget. I feel like it could be any number of things.


I think I've figured it out, last year I went to a saint patrick's day party, and while I was there I caught myself staring at this woman, she had been rattling on about how she made her dress herself and all the work she put into it. You see I wasn't really staring at the woman but her dress I was awe struck, It was gorgeous I was sure she had bought it, it had so much work put into it and it was made just for this party she had been talking to someone that was standing next me while my mind got lost in thought over how beautiful her dress was, and she at some point she had turned her attention to me and asked me a question. I had completely missed whatever she had asked and shook my head then stated. "I'm sorry I was distracted by how beautiful you are." She and the person beside me fell silent, she gave me a strange look and then mumbled an excuse about needing to find her husband and very quickly walking away and disappearing into the crowd of people at the party. That's when it hit me exactly what I had said. 'Shit, Fucking Idiot' I thought to myself. I had been so God Damn distracted by her dress that I completely mixed up my words. I had meant to see "Sorry, I was distracted by how pretty your dress is" And instead I basically flirted with this fucking married woman that I was trying to make friends with. That's classic me. Ruining friendships before they even begin.

But I digress, This is the thought that is keeping me up tonight, Does this random woman ever think of me? Does she remember as the weird short lesbian gremlin who attempted to flirt with her at a saint patrick's day party? Or do I never even cross her mind. Why do I find myself constantly thinking about her and what I said? I just want these thoughts to shut off. I want to sleep I want to be very well rested for tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow I am also helping my friend surprise her husband for valentines day, Let's call them Diane and phillip. See long story short my car is in the shop, So she is going to be giving me a ride to my dentist appointment in the morning and since it's at 8 god damn am she asked me to stay the night so we wouldn't have to wake up to early to get me there, I also have another doctor's appointment on Friday so this means I will be staying the night again tomorrow therefore I will be intruding on her and husbands valentines and finally this means I have been enlisted in helping her surprise him. Part of it was her own Idea and the other part was mine since I feel like I'm burdening them with my Presence. She has depression and sometimes this causes her to find it physically impossible to do basic house hold chores and so her house is currently a little messy with clutter. So Diane's Idea was for me to help her clean her house for her husband as a nice little surprise for him and my Idea was I could cook them a delicious candle light meal and then go hide in another room of the house while they ate and had a little romantic date. I am pretty excited to help someone have a good valentines day but I honestly feel like such a terrible human for intruding on their alone time.

Diane constantly tells me it's no problem and that she loves having me around and things like that but If i'm being completely honest I feel like she is lying to be in order to make me feel better. I feel like she doesn't want me here right now but doesn't know how to ask me to leave, I guess when I think about it I feel this way about most of my friendships like I'm super annoying and no one really wants me around but they just don't know how to say it, the worst part about this feeling is that I have always felt this way and when my little cousin comes to me asking about those types of feelings and if they ever go away I don't know what to say. I'm the adult in that relationship and I want to tell him "Yes david, eventually you'll grow out of those feelings and everything will get better just keep holding on" But that isn't true you don't ever get read of those thoughts they just get a little easier to ignore.

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