Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2019-02-11 03:24:17 (UTC)

trying for hope is a fickle thing sort of

ayeayeaye. I potentially have a job interview for a server's position lined up, and my brain is so shaky on the resolve to follow through. It's what I want, or what I thought I wanted, but I know my capabilities. My last job was easy; just checking out simple orders at a mall kiosk- and it took me nearly a month to stop being nervous with simple tasks at a register. It's embarrassing.
But on the same hand, I've handled lots worse with better self-possession. I was a server and bartender at a high-volume restaurant, and a good one who could make most of her customers happy, after the first hour hump of self-hate that I always faced.
It was really a mind over matter thing, but my own brain is so possessed by the rejection of playing that game.

It's really not a good thing to let yourself fall into this possession, I say this as a warning to anyone out there to not let themselves fall victim to their own bitterness.
I need to move out; it's living at home and not having control over my own life that gets me this way. At the same time, I don't feel like I'm a strong enough personality to have control of my life outside of the box I've created for myself anyway. And sure, this isn't true; I've proved my capabilities in more ways than should be needed to convince a person of their own worthiness to pursue these things. But the things that I let ultimately trip me up are the flaws in my personality I don't know if I can change, and that's what I let continue to worry me.

These past 24 hours since I got the response email for my job interview I've been facing some tumultuous emotions. One moment I'll be hyping myself up, the next I'm on a streak of self doubt and denial of reality, sitting on the couch watching a slew of trash tv shows just to distract me from my own embittered feeling toward life.

I can go on and on ruminating about this thing. Once I get this job I may not stop ruminating about my performance and such; the position itself means so much to me. not that serving is explicitly a 'good' job- my parents remind me of this constantly ("why don't you just do like your brother and go to a computer school and get a fancy job in 6 months like the one he has now?")(they don't want to see my own struggles as unique for what they are; they'd rather solve the problem easily so that it's one less thing they have to worry about)(I can go on)

But the serving thing; it matters to me. My cousin I'd always looked up to worked as a waitress for awhile, and I see those traits that lend themselves to this sort of job as traits I want to indoctrinate in me. It requires a certain beautiful personality inside and out to be a good people person and waitress.
I've yet to accept that it isn't me to be that sort exactly. I've yet to fully be convinced of it. I'd prefer to believe I can be whoever I want to be.


Why is it always that the angry, hurt emotions stick around you longer than the good ones? I'm still angry about my parents being dismissive of my situation earlier. I know it's just because they don't have enough emotional space for me and I can't expect that of them. That makes it alittle easier for me to see that I don't need to ruminate on this. But what still keeps me holding on is the sense that I don't know how to handle life without them on my own. Or, even if I do, I'm going to be doing it wrong in their eyes?
Their opinion shouldn't matter; they should be proud of me for trying hard at life; but until I make the environment explicitly as supportive of their emotional needs as it is for myself, they're always going to be alittle jealous and unsupportive at the very least.

People don't see their emotions this way, but they should.

I was just realizing the other day how I acted around my brothers girlfriend (and still do) when they first got into dating a couple years ago. I remember wanting to like her and appreciating her for her general sense of sanity. I had some irrational fear my brother was going to date some type of crazy bobble-headed type of girl who is over-optimistic about everything.

But because I didn't have enough emotional space for her, for my brother's success in finding a nice girl; I just wanted to rationalize her out of his life. I was jealous of the fact not only that he was moving on from his past without resolving anything explicitly with the family's relationship like I'd intended to, and also of the fact that I needed a good friend to pay proper emotional attention to me, but he was giving that to her.

I sound like a little child with my feelings. At least I'm learning.

Maybe I'm switching subjects too quickly, but I remember when I started dating that guy this summer, for whatever reason, every time I wanted to talk to him it was sort of childish to bring up the things I wanted to talk to him about. I'm not saying anything about the way he responded- he was always encouraging. But I could feel this childish energy rising within me that someone was finally paying attention to. It was all innocent, just me texting him at the end of the day about the things that happened just recently, imploring for some approval occasionally, or something of that sort.
I needed that approval, I felt, and it got In the way of me reciprocating the same encouragement he was giving.

There is something about having emotional space for your own trials in life, and recognizing them, that lends itself to maturity.
It sounds so obvious putting it flat out like that.

I know from therapy the trouble I have with my problems is de-validating their own existence. Over and over I'll feel some way about my relationship with my mom or dad or something and think it's just my own making.
Or something of that sort.

Really though, I think I've grown to the point in my life where I realize my situation but prefer to deny it just to prevent me from taking the necessary action.

Confrontation is really a struggle for me. I'm learning that it's a matter of reframing the way I understand these things into a more loving perspective that keeps me standing tall.

The thing about this job interview I have ahead of me, is that it'll be a challenge. I can't deny that (re-)learning to keep my calm in a new environment can be grinding on my ego. I have this way of escalating my self depreciating thoughts that can get out of control. I may have flashbacks to steak'n'shake.

But I'm willing, I think, to take that chance. Even if it's another fail, at least then it'll be a conclusive no go for me to continue pursuing this sort of job for the time being.
Part of me is determined to think 'is this whole escapade a waste of my time then?'
I don't think it will be. I need the practice. I wish I didn't . . .

I hate standing out on a limb for myself. My whole life feels shaky. I could hold my fragile ego in the palm of my hands. Is it a risk I'm willing to take at that expense? If this thing is headed south, would I be able to retrieve me from the rubble?

It's been so long since something mildly devastating has happened in my life. The part of me that still loves living just says- 'bring on the floodgates, give it all you got'. The other part of me says just let me heal.
I don't know whether this is a way of healing, of washing my own sins clean by redeeming my personality through hard head & heart work.

Thing is, I don't know that this is the environment I will be willing to do that sort of work in. Over and over I think; today is the day, but it just isn't. I get so afraid and frustrated and alone and upset and I churn those negative feelings in on me like somehow they'll answer the question I've been having.

Thing is, I can hype myself up about a thing, and when I get all stirred up it can seem like I'm happy again, but when the dust settles again I feel so much more miserable and frustrated that I'm still stuck in the same thing. But I can't expect myself to be happy- it's only going to cause more misery.

Because the thing is, I think this thing keeping me sad is just me realizing I have to let my parents expectations and hope for support from them go if I ever want a chance at my own happiness for me. And that I really have to value that happiness to put the work in, because it ain't easy making a good life for yourself on your own it seems.

I just wish I could go back to this summer where my life was made for me in more ways than I could ever have right now. It'll take me a hot minute to find that kind of life again. I just have to be willing to keep trying.




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