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Scream Above the Sounds
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2019-02-10 04:35:10 (UTC)

I'm Not Okay, But It's Okay

I went over my friends house tonight, we were supposed to do something for his birthday last week but the snow day disrupted everything. We didn't do much, we just had a few drinks and played Smash Bros and Mario Kart on the Switch; it was nice to see people. It's nice to just be around people rather than being cooped up alone all the time. I kept to myself quite a bit, I was offering jokes and banter like I usually do but I dunno, things have felt off for a while now and I can't quite put my finger on what it is. It's probably just the usual: fear of failure, never finding happiness, the usual spiel I seem to pour into entries now.


I've really got to start making an effort to find a new job, I think I overheard earlier that my mother may be getting binned off her in job and she's pretty devastated about the whole thing. My mum is a successful woman though, I know she would find something else relatively quickly, I just know she was happy there and felt like she finally had a home. She only started working at my old high school originally because somebody went on maternity leave, but she really does love it there. I'm gutted for her.I shouldn't only be getting a job out of guilt though, I need to be working again because things just haven't been the same without it. I'm struggling with little to no money and it just sucks. I don't live life lavishly but I just need that stability.


People have been asking me how I am lately and I'm just bullshitting and saying things are good or great or whatever. Don't get me wrong, college is going well and stuff but I still don't feel happy. I feel very fed up with myself and I need changes in my life. I don't know what changes to make though, I just know I'm very unhappy right now. I'm studying and working out and it's all great, I just need something more. I'm tired of always feeling alone. The majority of my social life stems from online and video games and stuff. I used to have quite a big circle and a wide variety of friends. I don't really have anybody now though. I have the few people that I play FFXIV with and they are great but, I can't play FFXIV all night. I need variety. Aaron is the only other outlet in regards to online gaming and there is never a guarantee he'll even be around. He's always so busy with work/uni and his girlfriend, so it's a coin flip on whether he actually makes it online or not. It's not really the video games that are important either, it's just the social experience and interaction that I need. It's the only real way I connect with people outside of college and the rare opportunity that I do see my friends, and that's sad.


I guess this is all I've got for tonight. It's 3:43am and I really should get some sleep, this is the latest I've stayed up in a long time. I barely make it past midnight these days. I don't have much planned for tomorrow, I'm going to do some assignments for sociology and then hit the exercise bike, just another day I guess.

Edd


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