Do Not Disturb

2019-02-08 22:41:31 (UTC)

Are You Their God?

I keep trying with Andrew and I give up.

He sits their and calls me horrible names and I let him and I've been nothing but nice to him but yet he treats me like shit. This is the main reason why I blocked him in the first place and I'll do it again if I have too.

Why can't I see thst he just want sex from me?

He doesn't have " feelings" for me. He doesn't "care" about me and if he did he wouldn't have said that shit he just said in the first place. I'm already stressed out enough and mostly because of him and yet here I am still talking to him when he doesn't even wanna talk to me.

I saw the guy that I still have a crush on get something out of the vending machine while I was in the lobby the other day. I wanna talk to him so badly but at the same time I can't.

Sadly taken. Going on 8 months. Longest relationship I've ever been in thus far.

I couldn't resist getting a Mr. Goodbar out of the vending machine ( gosh I hope I spelled that right) the other day at school. 260 calories it says. But I ate it anyways.

Next Day ~ I unfriended Andrew from Snapchat it's not like he was interested in what I have to do or say anyways.

I honestly wish I never met him in the first place but I guess things happen for a reason. He's blocked from all social media.

I deleted Roblox.. I only downladed because I was bored. I tried making friends didn't go as planned. So, I just deleted it. It seemed more of a little kids game anyways. And I am not a little kid. Buy I can even be invisible in a game.

I will not regret removing Andrew as my " friend" on Snapchat and I know he definently won't either.

He called me a dumb ass and asked me if I had " short term memory loss". He's so cruel in so many ways. I'm glad I did what I did. It's for the best.

He never cared about me or my feelings so why should I to him the same. I hope he ends up lonely and miserable. It's even worse coming from him but then again I wonder if those things are true.

Great... I'm sad now.

I should make a list of things that makes me happy :

1). God
2). My dog
3). YouTube
4) Music
5). Writing
6). Family
7). Friends???? I don't have any.

Sometimes I sound like a little kid when I'm writing. A very emotional little kid that has no job. No nothing.

The other day was the first time that I cried this year and not because of some guy ( maybe a little) and to be honest I needed it. I wanna cry until I feel nothing at all.


I hate that I'm emotional.

I hate that I let what people say get to me.

I'm 20 years old living with my mom. And in college. Community college.

Will I ever be smart enough to be in an actual college?

Will I ever be able to make it out on my own?

Will I be the famous singer/ songwriter I thought ought to be?

Will I learn how to not be shy?

Will me and my boyfriend last forever if I stop making stupid mistakes?

I know God is watching me and is giving me every little punishment he could think of for my stupid mistakes.

I have this diary/ journal for a reason... To vent... And for my love of writing.

So far 2019 has not been my year.

- A