atomheartmother03

A Saucerful of Secrets (Warning - Sexual Content!)
2019-02-06 20:48:06 (UTC)

I'm so tired, I don't know what to do...

Fuck!


Yes, it's one of those days. I really didn't think I'd find myself back here, but here I am...


Nothing exciting is really going on in my life. I finally had the guts to tell #1 that I didn't think it was a good idea for us to start fucking around. It was not easy. I've never been good with shit like that. I'm glad I did though because it's easier to stay out of trouble talking to people miles away instead of in my own area. Although I haven't been talking to anyone miles away either. lol..well, other than my ex from my senior year of high school who I have stayed pretty well in contact with throughout the years. We will call him #3 since he's the third person I ever had sex with. lol..


So, about #3. My husband used to be somewhat okay with me talking to him as at the time he lived at the other end of the country. He now lives 2 hours away, but I still NEVER see him, EVER. At some point in between, he was either in visiting or lived back home for a while, I honestly can't remember. lol.. All I know is he was staying with his grandmother, locally. That was during the time that I was completely infatuated with "him". #3 was the ONLY person to know anything about "him" besides me and, well, "him". lol..Somewhere along the way, mine and #3's conversations turned a little sexual. Well, around the same time that my husband discovered messages between me and "him", he also found messages between me and #3 (at the time most of the sexual talk was #3 because I was too into "him") and so not only did shit hit the fan about me and "him", but it also hit the fan over me and #3. So, after that, my husband told me I wasn't allowed to talk to #3. I listened for a while, but eventually couldn't take it anymore. He is still a good friend of mine, even though we don't hang out in person.. He is always there no matter what I talk to him about and he never judges me.


Soo, why am I bringing all this up? Idk.. I kind of feel like I've never been completely over #3. I mean, we've told each other we love each other, but both of us meant it in a just friends kind of way. Here lately I have just been thinking about him so much and I've been very sad that we aren't allowed to talk or hang out in "real life". Maybe that's all it is. Maybe I just miss having him as a friend. I honestly don't know. The last two times I've had sex with my husband I have caught myself imagining I was fucking him instead of my husband. (Except last night, I was imagining it was #3 and then #1 popped into my head right as I was getting off. I don't know where that came from because I really don't want anything to do with him at the moment. lol) I just don't know what this means. I don't know if I am starting to want him sexually even though we never talk about sex anymore. I don't know if I'm falling in love with him.. Or whether I never fell completely out of love with him. I am so fucking confused. I'm hoping I'm just missing his friendship because it's been harder to catch each other lately due to both of our work schedules...


Things between my husband and I have been somewhat better. He got a job and that really helps. I feel like we can now get caught up on the bills and I don't have to always be in constant worry over how I'm going to pay them and still get everything we need.. There's just still something not clicking though. I think it's that he still doesn't want to do anything at home. I'm afraid that will never change.. My brother-in-law has been making sure we have firewood because my husband didn't bother to get any ready for the winter.. I've tried to talk to him and tell him things needed to change on his end and mine. I just don't know. All I do know is the last two days I have been so tired I haven't wanted to get out of bed, but I've had to so I could go to work..


I guess I just needed to get all this off my chest. I may be back soon. Or it may be months. Or I may never be back.. It depends on when and if I get the urge to write again. But, from past experience, I normally always come back eventually.. lol




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