Scream Above the Sounds
2019-02-06 20:20:11 (UTC)

A Sad Sleepy Entry

I'm struggling to even write this but I'm trying to stay up for as long as I can. It's only 7:20pm as I begin this, I'm likely going to fade away straight after so let's hope I can find some shit to talk about, eh? I did both of my circuits today for my workout, it's ruining me but there is definitely progress. I already feel so much stronger, especially in my legs. I'm getting better everyday and I can't ask for anything more than that. Hopefully I'll be a new man by the time summer rolls around, not just physically but mentally too. I'm trying to remain positive and look forward to things but those thoughts diminish almost immediately and then I'm left here in the same dark room I'm always in, scared, tired and alone.

I've got a lot of work to do this weekend for next week. Powerpoint presentations, assignments, a poster. I haven't got the motivation to do any of it. I should really do them now but I feel too exhausted to even attempt them. As long as I can get them done by the weekend, I'll be fine. I was supposed to go for a run with my friend today but she never messaged me, so I guess she got a bit too busy today. I know she went out drinking last night so maybe it was a heavy one and she wasn't up for it. Probably for the best anyway, as I had already worked out and a run would have been the final nail in the coffin for me.

Sadness is finding its way back into my life more and more lately, especially in the nights. I guess that's the best time for it to strike, you're in bed and you're overthinking. I just feel really fed up, even though I know I'm taking the right steps and doing the right things to better myself, I still feel so miserable and mopey. There isn't even a solid reason for it. I mean, I do feel lonely but I guess I've kinda gotten used to it now, it's been almost a year. I don't even just mean a relationship though, I don't have enough friends. I'm a lot happier than I was 6 months ago, don't get me wrong. I'm not waking up from horrific nightmares or crying myself to sleep anymore, but I do feel incredibly lonely, pathetic and afraid.

My friend told me the other day that she went downstairs and spent a few hours with her parents because they told her to and felt they didn't spend enough time together anymore. My parents would never ask that of me, even if they did...I couldn't even imagine the scenario. It would be so awkward and I imagine everybody would be counting down the minutes until it was over. I think everybody in this family just likes their own space. I like my own space but...I would like somebody in my space too, you know? I don't have somebody to do things with, every time I am invited out, it usually involves alcohol and then I'll wind up even more depressed, maybe not out in town but certainly when I get through the door at 4am.

I just need a change and I need it fast.