lmakes08

thoughts
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2019-02-06 04:48:12 (UTC)

Drowning

How can someone feel so lonely when they’re surrounded by people that love them? I feel as if I don’t matter to anyone. All I do is upset everyone and cause problems. I’m too needy. I need to learn to stop going to people with them and man up on my own. But where do I start? You can’t just change over night there has to be some small steps I could take first. Everyday feels like a struggle for me to get up. It’s as if I’m trying to hold my head above water to keep from drowning. When you’re struggling to stay above the water for too long you get tired and eventually you just give up...maybe one day I will too. I feel like the people I care most don’t return the same feelings. I’m kinda just there. I don’t feel as if I’m their first choice when they have something going on. I get mad over the littlest things. It’s stupid stuff that mostly doesn’t matter, but if it doesn’t matter then why do I get upset? You stormed out of my house tonight and I just watched you leave. I couldn’t move. I stood up for myself and you didn’t like that. But that’s alright I’ll wait for you to come around again like I always do because I love you. I believe we both feel it slowly fading and we don’t know how to stop it. I’m fucking terrified that I’m going to lose you. It would destroy me and I’m not just saying that because it’s the “teenager” thing to say. For the past 4 years we’ve had so many experiences, good/bad memories, and endless moments of happiness. What if it all just disapeared? It’s like someone coming to your house and saying “sorry you don’t live here anymore”, kicking you out, and you have no place to go. You are my home (as mushy as that sounds). I just don’t want this to be the end for us, not yet anyways. I’m not ready to say goodbye, It feels as if you are though. I just wish everything would just stop. Time would freeze and I could just figure everything out clearly, after holding in all my emotions I think I’ve finally cracked. It’s midnight on a Tuesday and normally I would have school in 6 hours. I’m not going because class was cancelled. I’m debating on whether to go in to take my English test. I don’t think I’ll be able to focus if I had to take it. I’m better off waiting until Thursday when I can clear my mind again. I feel trapped in this life. As much as my friends know me, they don’t know everything. If I told them what I was really thinking, would they stay around? Probably not because it’s too fucking depressing. Alright goodnight. Talk to you tomorrow.


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