Scream Above the Sounds
2019-02-05 17:44:56 (UTC)

Feeling Lonely

College was interesting today, only 3 of us came in for English. We had 5 in total by the time Social Science came around, the class is dwindling, big time. I feel like everything that happened today made me realise how lonely my life is; a lack of friends, a lack of love, no real family togetherness. It scares me a little, I often wonder how I'm going to be in 5 or even 10 years time. I don't often think about the future, at least old Edd didn't anyway. I try to think about it and the direction in where I'm going and what I would like to happen but I honestly live in the now. I don't plan too far ahead, maybe that's why things are the way they are.

I mean, that's not entirely true. Things are the way they are because I allowed them to get like this, I was selfish, naive, stupid and sabotaged my relationship, which was probably the only shining light and thing I was actually proud of. Most relationships and marriages tend to fizzle out quickly, so the fact I went almost 9 years, regardless how the last year went...it is something to be proud of I guess. Anyway; things are the way they are now because of me, and now it's up to me to write the chapter on where I want to go next, rather than just existing and letting life pass me by; I've done enough of that.

I'm only 28 but I genuinely feel like I'm too old to date. I know that's a laughable think to say and if anybody older than me sees this, they are likely going to tell me to get over myself or that it isn't that bad. I guess I just feel in a very weird transitional phase where I should be a lot further developed and ahead in my life than what I am. If I had to go on a date now, I wouldn't even know what to do. Tinder definitely won't be an outlet for me either, the idea of just meeting somebody via an app doesn't sit well with me. I would want to meet somebody organically. I don't really think about it much to be honest, a partner. It's just been weird today because everything that's been happening has reminded me that I am alone and likely will be for a long time. I have a lot to work on, I don't love myself, I don't feel attractive and to put it bluntly, I'm a loser.

Fitness is going well and I'm aiming to keep this up. I do have goals and I am meeting targets but I'm just afraid it'll be all for naught. That's the dark, depressing demons twisting my mind again. Making me feel worthless and that everything I try to do or achieve is ultimately going to turn to shit. The saddest part is, I always believe that. I guess that's why I haven't amounted to anything and worked nights in a retail store for 3 years. I got comfortable and thought maybe this is all I'll ever be. I don't want to be alone forever but at the same time, I feel I've hurt too many people and fucked so much stuff up, I don't really deserve another chance with anybody.

I guess that's all I've got for tonight. I'm actually trying an omelette tonight, how exciting eh? After that I'll jump on the exercise bike and no doubt procrastinate my maths papers yet again. I've really got to be more disciplined and for lack of a better phrase, stop being a tit.