Just your everyday breakdown
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2019-02-01 08:03:01 (UTC)

Late Night Thoughts

Late night thoughts are like relatives sitting around talking. You can try to ignore them, but no matter how hard you try they are always going to be screaming in your head.

It has been about a month now since I have slept completing through the night and I don't know if it is my period talking or just the exhaustion, but I honestly have cried for almost an hour just because I am so annoyed that I can't sleep. It has gotten to the point that I know I'm not going to fall asleep so I don't even plan anything before noon comes around. Which is bad because I have work at 4:30 pm tomorrow so that means that I have to start to go to the gym before noon or at noon atleast. But I've been thinking a lot about things and I have done some therapy, in my head of course because the other kind is soooo expensive. I think that I have a huge problem with not being good enough for people. Always not feeling worth it or good enough.

I think it started when I was younger and how I always had to try and be better than Dan was because everything Dan did was right. Then it continued through basketball when everything Emily and Tori did was perfect and even though I was the best on the team everything I did was wrong or something needed to be changed. Then going into college and starting with boys I always was second best or got beat out by someone "better" than me., ex. Katherine, Bri, Emily. All of these guys got hungup on them and I'm left here to help put the guy back together and he doesn't even notice it or just left in the dust completely. Everyone tells me, just pick better guys . But what they don't understand is every guy after the last WAS the better guy I thought. And what is funny is that when I find the new guy everyone is so thrilled and happy just like me that I found the person that is going to treat me the way I deserve to be treated. But right as he turns into something completely different everyone is like "oh well i saw that happening from the beginning" . WELL THAN FUCKING TELL ME AND DO ME A FAVOR PLEASSSSSEEEEEE because at this point now I"m not only having trouble not being good enough, but now I have trouble trusting me own judgment.

Hence why I can't sleep I think. That and my own version of the bubonic plague hit me sooooooo there is that....