Scream Above the Sounds
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2019-02-01 07:25:23 (UTC)

Anxiety, Depression, Ignorance...and Snow!

I'm still waking up too early, or going to sleep too early is probably a better way of saying it. I can't stay up past 8:30pm anymore, my body just completely gives up on me. I'm always waking up about 5-6am now, it's 6:25am as I write this but I've been lying in bed for the past 20 minutes, it's freezing cold today. It's been quite a successful week of college but I'm still not entirely happy with myself. I'm doing really well in English and I'm predicted for A's, so I'm pleased with that. Having gotten an A* for the presentation and the group discussion, that supposedly goes toward 20% of your final mark, so I'm cruising with English. Social Science is getting better too, I think I'm finally all caught up, I just need to design a poster in regards to nature/nurture, it's a bit of effort but I'll get it done on the weekend. I went into Science for the first time in a while yesterday, I had been really ill and anxiety got the better of me and I felt I was falling behind and I guess I just scared myself. I went in and she was really nice about it though, plus she has a tattoo of Raichu so she's definitely a bae. She handed me the latest assignment about genetics and we pretty much finished that in a day. Maths is still the hard one though, I'm at a point now where I struggle to even attend the lessons because I'm so anxious and depressed about it all. I'm going to have to get help next Wednesday because otherwise, I'm sure to fail. I really want to push for this dyscalculia thing too, because I genuinely believe I may have it. It would explain so much.

The wind was howling yesterday, it was chilling to the core. My teeth chattered rhythms all the way to college, as students around me talked about the weather forecast and snow certainly en route. Well, it's here! I looked out my window about half an hour ago and it's definitely here. I won't be leaving for college today, I'm not built for this weather. It's not BAD, it has nothing on the snow we had last year, that was unreal. I can remember I was off work for two weeks because that snow was so crazy. I have a PowerPoint Presentation I'm supposed to hand in today for ICT/Tutorial but I'll just e-mail it to her instead. We aren't supposed to present it, so it shouldn't matter too much. Friday's are always a waste of time anyway, hardly anybody comes in and we don't seem to learn anything. I would much rather have a duvet day and play some Pokémon on the Switch or sit here in my dressing gown and play some Final Fantasy. Oh to be a nerd, eh?

Depression is coming back in full flow, I suppose it had given me a few days off and as usual, it's finally come knocking, like a loan shark. I really do feel alone, not good enough and I find myself torturing myself again with situations that really should have played out differently. I just can't seem to let things go, it's a great failing of mine. I am trying to look to the future and build new foundations, hopes, dreams, aspirations, whatever you want to call them...but it's hard. I feel like I fell too far down a hole and the walls are too steep to climb. I feel like they strapped big weights to my back and depression controls my mind. I've really helped some people the past few days and it makes me realise how fake I am, it's so easy for me to say the right things, yet I don't follow them myself. Aside from that, two people who I really care about are treating me a little bad lately, it's probably unintentional but it still hurts all the same. I feel really forgotten, unappreciated and almost like a stranger. I'm too old to go around chasing people and bothering people so I'm just going to leave it now and if they don't come to me, I guess that's that. It's not fair for friendships to be one sided and I'm tired of putting effort in and not getting anything back, it's exhausting, tedious and draining. It makes me sad.

I'm supposed to be going to my best friends birthday party tonight. He lives quite far from me though so I'm not sure what my plans would be for getting back home. There is a bridge that acts as a shortcut, but after 7pm it closes until about 7am the next day. One of my friends is going for a bit, the girl that I'm quite close to that I still feel quite a bit for, I should probably stop describing her as that because it's dead in the water and I don't even think about it that much anymore, unless I'm around her anyway, which isn't very often. Either way, she's going and she drives, she lives relatively close to me. I think she's giving me a lift there so I'll probably just leave when she does. I've walked home from my friends before and it's brutal, I did it in the pouring rain last time, I dare not imagine it in the snow. We'll have to wait and see what happens; I do want to see him because he's my best friend of about 16 years and we don't spend much time together anymore. He's married and I guess has his own stuff going on. We still have a great bond though.

I hope I can break out of these horrible, uncontrollable moods. I've suffered with depression since I was about 15 but I've never really felt anxious. I need to try and control things a bit better. My humour tends to carry me through with a lot of things and most people get a cocky/arrogant/confident/cheeky vibe with me, which I guess I like. It's a strong mask. It's not good for people to see the dark, depressive mess that I really am. I need to get my shit together and be better than this.