Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2019-01-29 04:29:57 (UTC)

A chip on the shoulder

-only makes you sooner a chip off the old block. Is that an idiom? because it should be.

I been watching a lot of Atlanta. it's a good show, especially since I'm just now getting into childish Gambino. His body of artistic work is real superb. This guy on the show though gave the main character, Earnest, a tip- he said if you don't wanna become an old washed up nobody who woulda-been-somebody cus he has the smarts like himself, he's gotta lose the chip on the shoulder. It was one of those tv moments that reaches out and slaps you on the face while you're just watching from the couch. Not really, but also, yeah, maybe it was more of a punch than a slap tho.

That hit me back into my brain again. I know how I hate on my family all of the time. But when you get down to the truth, what it is was awhile ago I outgrew them. I reached this place where I saw through all the shitty, repetitive mental games we play at home, and how it's just a waste of time. I saw how applying yourself to you is really the only good way of getting along through life. And I saw that expecting more from my parents was a waste of my time- a distraction if you will from expecting more from myself.

I was just in this hard place, though, and I wanted someone to see me for all the effort I'd put into myself, and the ways it was paying off was small and embarrassing but I wanted someone to tell me they were proud of it and gave me permission to not give into that self-depreciation of not being enough. I suppose my time was coming I just didn't hold on enough. And maybe I was afraid of outgrowing my family in some not-so-small way. I hadn't found myself a new family to grow with so it'd mean I was growing alone, and I didn't know how to keep my own pace on track without self-defeating. in some ways I suppose going home was a failsafe against really hating myself and doing something stupid..

It was a lot of things. I shouldn't've given up on myself like that though; all this time at home has really been a waste of time. If I had stayed at school and kept trying at me my brain would be operating on a different wavelength; processing my predicaments which hold my attention so much at a much better speed. Ideally.
we can't know for sure that's true.
it's more productive to just admit you're a weak worm and go out into the world building off that, no matter how hard it is to do.

I spent a lot of time hating myself for that first relationship, and what it said about me. but fact of the matter is, I'm just missing out on that person by me to tell me every step of the way who I am being is okay. I'm so damn insecure, because I don't have context or know-how or anything. I'm just so angry. I want to take it back in on myself and make me something different, but I gotta work with what I got.

This is a habit I'll have to break; I need to see my own emotions to their own ends instead of letting them circle back in endlessly.

Sometimes forgiving yourself is the hardest thing to do. But holding onto guilt is an excuse against growing, and it just lets you repeat the cycle over and over again.




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